Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[Coly23]

Roist, Peace, Cil - thank you all so much for posting.

I think I have to much headspace at the moment so my thoughts are running away with me at 100 miles an hour!

Roist- I'm so confused about what I'm supposed to be doing at the moment. Should I have continued with the family nights and put my feelings on the back burner? Now that I've stopped them will the negative thoughts about me start to surface? I feel like I've shot myself in the foot by going NC!!

Peace - your right off course. Just because I may not be H's type anymore doesn't mean he is my type either. He has certainly lost the soft edges that attracted me to him in the first place. I can't imagine how your exH must feel after throwing away a comfortable lifestyle and loving family for his current one. That's just so sad.

Cil - I don't know if H still cares about me. I struggle to understand how you can treat someone you care for so badly. My mind keeps revisiting some of the things he said to me and also different situations like at Christmas when he didn't think anything of leaving us Christmas morning to spend it with his family or NY Eve when he spent it with friends and their family. What makes a person just disown their family so willingly without a thought for how it is hurting them.

Sometimes I wish I had done something terrible to deserve this because I certainly don't think the punishment fits the crime!

I am thinking of things to do to push myself out of my comfort zone but I can't really think of anything at the moment! I've always wanted to learn to sew so maybe I'll join a sewing class!

Journaling:
Not much going on at the moment. D is playing up a bit because I think the stress of exam revision is getting to her. It's at times like this that I wish either H or her Dad were around to support me. Tonight she stormed out of the house because I didn't want to commit to saying yes or no to her request to go to a party in the Easter holidays. She herself said she did not want to do anything as she had to do as much revision as possible so now she is backtracking. She pushed me for an answer so said I would rather she didn't go and that was enough to make her storm out because I didn't give her the answer she wanted. It is now 12.30 at night and she is still not back. I have kept in radio contact with her but I am not impressed!

On the house decorating front. I have enlisted the help of my Dad to get a few bits and pieces done during the Easter holidays. I'm looking forward to freshening the place up. Also I am thinking of packing up all H's clothes that are still in his wardrobe. There is a small tin shed at the bottom of the garden which I don't venture into as it is full of spiders and other creepy crawlies. I hate spiders and so does H but I am thinking of getting the courage up to dump all his stuff in there, including a very expensive pair of trainers which he had the opportunity to take a few weeks ago but chose to leave here. I just want to see the look on his face when he asks for his stuff and has to venture into the spider shed!! :0)

Happy weekend everyone!!