Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{Cil}}}}}}}

xoxoxoxo have fun on your trip honey xoxoxoxo

[Coly23]

Mleigh, bttrfly thanks so much if visiting.

Mleigh, I find it really difficult to concentrate at the moment. Even posting on here takes a lot out of me. I actually bought some books for my Kindle (H still has his debit card set up in there and it takes every bone in my body not to go on a book spending spree!) but I just can't bring myself to get into anything.

I wish H would see what a loving wife I am for standing for my marriage but he's away with the fairies so it makes no difference at all...

Bttrfly, I agree that FB is a facade and we dont know what goes on behind the scenes. I'm so glad that I don't post on there loads and even grader that H is not in there!

Journaling: feeling okay today a bit better. I think I'm slowly coming to the realisation that NC is definitely the way to go. I wouldn't have anything good to say to H at the moment anyway and I can't imagine being able to act 'as if' if I saw him now. I'm worried that the resentment is growing and I don't know if this is just part of the process. Should I be feeling this way? The longer time goes on the less compassion I have for him. I have as much compassion for him now as I would a total stranger.

It is all so confusing and scary and I don't know what to think. I so desperately wanted to save my marriage and part of me still does but the other part of me isn't sure if it is worth it anymore or if indeed he is worth it. What sort of man abandons his family and would rather live alone as he did 10 years ago as a single man. I remember he once told me before we got together that he felt so lonely as all his friends had families. I sometimes wonder if he just wanted to have what everyone else had and has decided now that it's not for him. I feel angry that he has played with our lives and now realises it's not for him.

NC is definitely right for me at the moment because if I saw him I just might not be able to hold anything back...

[roist]

Maybe H thinks you are away with the faeries for thinking you can work on it. Two perspectives of the same situation.

I don't think that you are wrong to stand and I do think you have a chance to turn things around.

However I do think that you are wrong to EXPECT him:
# to admire your stance
# to appreciate how loving you are
# that he will act differently because he used to
Your H has changed and he is not held by previous restrictions on how to behave. I am not condoning this, just pointing it out. Just remember that everything he does is him trying to b happy. That is his sole objective. Everything else including you are secondary to him. His treatment of you should not be taken personally. Achieve that and I believe you will be much better able to handle the knocks you take along the way.

Stop thinking the worst of H. For example maybe he has gone NC because he is respecting your expressed desire to stop current interactions. Do it could be a sign of respect and not considered automatically that he is disrespecting you by remaining silent.

For the moment you need to focus on getting to a place where you can interact with him without the built up anger and resentment. Set yourself the objective to consider breaking NC only when you manage this. Work on that and once achieved decide then what your next step should be.

I know that this is not easy, but I have confidence you can get through it with shining colours.

Whilst doing the above, I agree you should attack the revamp of your house. Make big changes. Get excited about it. Put your stamp on the house. You will feel more at home afterwards and will be proud of the changes achieved. Do some of the work with friends. Limitless possibilities and opportunities. Seize them

Best wishes

[Coly23]

Hey Roist, thanks girl the visit.

Yes, H probably does think I'm away with the fairies wanting to save this marriage and the longer this goes on the more I think I agree with him!

I guess I do still have expectations but it's hard to think that someone has changed so much towards you. I know he's definitely not the man I married and that makes it even sadder.

I don't think I share your optimism that I can turn this around. I think he just sees me with different eyes now, maybe not his type and now regrets ever getting with me in the first place. I know for sure I'm not his type visually so I don't know why he wanted to be with me in the first place. Again, I go back to him maybe wanting an instant family so he can try it out but now realises its not for him. Sorry if I am sounding negative but thats how I feel at the moment. The doubts of whether any of this was genuine or real have started to creep in.

I have a feeling he won't contact me unless it is to do with the house. His way to keep connected will be through D. I don't know if I should contact him either because he is expecting me to. I don't want to turn it into some sort of stand off but I don't really want to talk to him anyway.

Journaling: H contacted D for the first time in two weeks and asked her out for coffee. She blew him off because she has too much going on with exam revision etc. I'm not getting involved so that's for them to sort out.

Other than that just plugging along. I feel I am just letting life carry me at the moment with no zest for it. I feel every day I make myself go out and put on a happy face and be full of optimism but inside I am a bunch of knots and hurt.

Hope everyone is having a good week.

[Coly23]

Sorry, that was meant to say 'thanks for the visit' not 'girl'! Stupid autocorrect!

[roist]

I understand. It is hard. Believe me I know what you are thinking. I have the same thoughts. At the moment my W is not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Not like this. And the longer this goes on the harder it will be as I am setting thebar high for what I want. It has been so long since we have had easy fun together I know I will have a hard time if we do enter piecing.

But I will cross that bridge when it comes up. My W will be different if she wants to cross that bridge. Your H will be too. Don't rule anything out based on how he is now. How you are is also not how you will be down the road. Change is the only constant!! For now you only need to believe in the potential of a new future R.

Recently ye have had a lot of evenings together, even some on your own without daughter. There could be many reasons H was willing and eager to do that. But that is not my point. He does not associate you with negative feelings that make him avoid you or worse hate you. He does not love you like you want him to . Yes. But ye get on better than most separated MLC couples.

Anyway back to you. Put the focus on you and your plans etc for now. State your goals here so you are accountable. Many people like that approach but it isn't for everyone. Just keep moving forward for you.

Don't be hard on yourself for how you feel. It is not easy. We manage as best we can.

Best wishes

[peacetoday]

Coly

Its ok to feel hurt and sad and yes it will pass

This is a hard long road, but I promise you if you hang in and continue with your process-
you will land in a better place than you are or were with your M
you mention in your last post maybe your H is attracted to a certain type and not to you anymore

I remember my XH was into church and really looking for a christian girl when we met
at that point in his life I met the qualifications for what he wanted and he met mine

Together we had 2 kids, bought a great home, had 2 new cars and a thriving business with employees and he hires a 28 year old secretary .

at 40 he no longer was attracted to me or the lifestyle of being a successful, responsible church going family man..he wanted fun now
The 28 kind of sleezy secretary now attracted him and she was fun and into drugs and booze.
she represented the fun lifestyle he now craved at 40
so he was attracted to you at a time probably when his morals were higher
when he wanted to marry he choose you

now he is not the same
and I also would NEVER choose a man like my H in the present
he is addicted and living in poverty, no connection to his kids or blood family and possibly unemployed(not sure)
not my idea of a a good choice

so you see my point..
you are worth more than what meets his criteria ar present and we attract exactly where we are

[ciluzen]

((((Coly))))),

Remember the saying, "fake it til you make it". It applies to us when we have those feelings you describe. You find your strength in acknowledging that you are a hurting and confused to others you trust, but by still practicing the pleasant face (you dont have to "fake happy") and by pushing yourself to participate in things you enjoy or think you might like.

I can tell you a few things that have helped me grow a bit, even though as I've said, I still have my down days.

1) Challenge yourself. What is something that you wished was different about you? Something in you that held you back, made you miss out on things, caused you fear? Push yourself to do it...maybe even practice doing it several times. Make it a weekly challenge. For example, I was not only an introvert, but also painfully shy. I realised I had trouble making eye contact and also walking into a room or situation where I knew no one. Those became two challenges that I gave myself each week. It has become much easier and I am reaping the benefits daily as I continue to practice. Eye contact has become a no-brainer.

2) Laugh harder and smile bigger. I found that I cared too much what others thought of me. It limited and in some cases, paralysed me. As I let that go a bit, I realized the bubbly, good feelings welled up when I stopped containing and controlling my laughter or smiles. It sounded too loud to my ears at first, felt unnatural to stretch my face as much as a truly big smile can at first. But wow! I have had people suddenly remark how my smile lights up a room, my laughter is infectious, and others are drawn to me. It can really send those endorphins coursing through you as much as a good workout! Don't hold back the good feelings when they come and they will pop up more quickly and easily, even if it feels like you have to force them a bit at first.

And Coly, I can hear the love and caring for your H that you still very much have. It also is apparent that although confused right now, your H still cares for you. Mine still cares, too, although the rest is a mystery. Maybe if we take some of the love and caring that we can't show them (as we tried to by everyday actions before) and we parcel it out to others, it will help our outlook, as well. If you showed your love by cooking for him, invite others over to dinner or bring over baked goods to friends or workmates. If you are missing the physical touch, touch people on the arm or hand more, or if it is appropriate, hug more. Be more demonstrative. All of a sudden, its being reciprocated and boy...did I need that.

Hope something here helps a bit. Its a rough road and long, but why not use the walk to pick up a few treasures along the way? Call me Pollyanna...

[Surv1ve]

Coly,

I wanted to pop in your thread. oh (((COLY))). I am so sorry for this pain and this loss. Having your H over for dinner sounds exhausting and heartbreaking. It sounds like your D loves you very much and wants you to be happy and you've done well by her. Your H is doing his thing and it has nothing to do with you; I know it's so hard not to take it personally. You are right -- what kind of person does that in front of 80 people? I'm sure he meant it when he said it, but it seems like he is not the person you married right now.

What do you do that helps you when you're spinning? For me, the exercise really helps and the music. I've been reading a lot about the science of happiness and really working to help my brain produce all the happy chemicals. Daily gratitudes, focusing on fond memories, nurturing my good relationships, finding 'flow' when I'm very focused on what I'm doing, bringing my mind back to the present, and trying very hard to practice radical acceptance of what is. It has helped a lot.

I have been thinking a lot about the strength of the LBS. It's amazing how hard we dig and I think there's much to be said for that.

[Coly23]

Roist, Peace, Cil - thank you all so much for posting.

I think I have to much headspace at the moment so my thoughts are running away with me at 100 miles an hour!

Roist- I'm so confused about what I'm supposed to be doing at the moment. Should I have continued with the family nights and put my feelings on the back burner? Now that I've stopped them will the negative thoughts about me start to surface? I feel like I've shot myself in the foot by going NC!!

Peace - your right off course. Just because I may not be H's type anymore doesn't mean he is my type either. He has certainly lost the soft edges that attracted me to him in the first place. I can't imagine how your exH must feel after throwing away a comfortable lifestyle and loving family for his current one. That's just so sad.

Cil - I don't know if H still cares about me. I struggle to understand how you can treat someone you care for so badly. My mind keeps revisiting some of the things he said to me and also different situations like at Christmas when he didn't think anything of leaving us Christmas morning to spend it with his family or NY Eve when he spent it with friends and their family. What makes a person just disown their family so willingly without a thought for how it is hurting them.

Sometimes I wish I had done something terrible to deserve this because I certainly don't think the punishment fits the crime!

I am thinking of things to do to push myself out of my comfort zone but I can't really think of anything at the moment! I've always wanted to learn to sew so maybe I'll join a sewing class!

Journaling:
Not much going on at the moment. D is playing up a bit because I think the stress of exam revision is getting to her. It's at times like this that I wish either H or her Dad were around to support me. Tonight she stormed out of the house because I didn't want to commit to saying yes or no to her request to go to a party in the Easter holidays. She herself said she did not want to do anything as she had to do as much revision as possible so now she is backtracking. She pushed me for an answer so said I would rather she didn't go and that was enough to make her storm out because I didn't give her the answer she wanted. It is now 12.30 at night and she is still not back. I have kept in radio contact with her but I am not impressed!

On the house decorating front. I have enlisted the help of my Dad to get a few bits and pieces done during the Easter holidays. I'm looking forward to freshening the place up. Also I am thinking of packing up all H's clothes that are still in his wardrobe. There is a small tin shed at the bottom of the garden which I don't venture into as it is full of spiders and other creepy crawlies. I hate spiders and so does H but I am thinking of getting the courage up to dump all his stuff in there, including a very expensive pair of trainers which he had the opportunity to take a few weeks ago but chose to leave here. I just want to see the look on his face when he asks for his stuff and has to venture into the spider shed!! :0)

Happy weekend everyone!!