The excitement of what if

[JRuss]

Juju -- I would suggest that you look at it another way. Your M died. Your role in it, and a big part of your identity, died. These are legitimately horrible, traumatic experiences that require grieving. Everyone is different in terms of how long this process takes, and yours simply isn't all the way over yet. I don't read your posts as being written by someone who refuses to accept the end of your marriage. Far from it. You're just still in the grieving process. Keep on GALing, keep focusing on your own physical and spiritual development, and you will get there. As you go, you will cycle back and through all of the various stages of grief, but don't let that get you down. That's progress, because there are a finite number of those cycles. Each time, just tell yourself it's part of the process, don't judge yourself, and realize you're one crappy round closer to being truly free and on the other side.