How do I know if my Husband is having a MLC?

[love1st]

Everyone, it's been a month since I was here. In that month I discovered my was was cheating and lying. I've been dealing with the pain and devastatingly hurt from the deceit!

I got a lawyer emailed was items for a separation agreement. I was very civil, fair and even a bit friendly. I have been in NC, dark for 40 days, except for or son and house sale.

He moved out, he wanted a "clean slate", he wanted to step out of marriage. He has been having an affair and lying, while leading me to believe there is hope for reconciliation. He dies not know I know about his OW. Below is his response to my email....Why so venomous??

Wholly cow...


I first want to say I don't think I'm as bad as a person as your email makes me out to be. If I'm reading it correctly, after paying into any/all the accounts for at least eight years, I'm being asked to be okay with receiving nothing... It's obvious you have had some time to think about things and feel as if I'm either naïve, stupid or weak (or any combination of the three). I will not be agreeing to a lot of your items and my hopes are that you are not going to try to stick to them. If you do, I'm sure we will have to get attorneys involved and that will only cost BOTH of us a lot of money and they will be the only winners!!! I4 ft'm not going to just roll over and take it.
My hopes again are to be treated like a human being and not some second class citizen... I don't think after all these years I get nothing and don't get to have Sam stay with me 50 % of the time. I BEG you to not get attorneys involved due to the HUGE cost it will be not to mention the mudslinging that will take place. I guess if you truly believe I don't deserve anything and I truly believe I do deserve something, we will have to WASTE a bunch of money.

I just don't know if there is any hope for reconciliation or even if I want o e anymore. Is this his true character?? Is this MLC? He's 47. I haven't responded to his email. Do I??

[Dawgs]

He doesn't want atty involved because of the outcome, not cost. That's pretty easy to see. All he is trying to do is bully you. Mine TRIED the same thing.

[MoveFrwd]

Sounds like you have a kid. Im guessing you know what a temper tantrum look like. It looks like this.

Rolling over and being a softie to this wont help you to reconcile; it will just show him that he can flail his arms around and you will cave.

[Dawgs]

Agree. Put your foot down and don't take his shite. Period. This laying down for them is utterly crap. Stand up and be a freaking rock.

[leahsue]

My ex tried the same thing with me! Always trying to scare me into thinking that if we had to get lawyers involved, they'd end up the rich, lucky ones. All he wanted was me to cave and let him continue to be a bully. I got my own lawyer and went to court. It didn't turn out financially well for me because ex paid off the judge who was not fair at all. And if that sounds like sour grapes, it's not. Ex later admitted it to me, laughed about it, and the judge was driving a new car the following week and when I ran into him several years later at a social function he would not look me in the eye, and left literally through the back door. Told me friend he "knew that I knew what he'd done, and didn't want me to make a scene." LOL. But I felt fine. Money can only do so much, and it can't buy peace in your heart, which I certainly have. Ex is still floundering out there, 15 years later, with no friends and a trail of broken people he's used and tossed, miserable and strung out on prescription meds.
Sorry, didn't mean to hijack. Just don't let him bully you. Be a FREAKING ROCK.

[love1st]

Hi all....it's been a while as I've been concentrating on me and have been "dark" while my husband was out of town. He was gone for 5 weeks during which time I did no contact (except for our son issues). It was going very well, until H came back. BTW, he moved out of our home 2.5 months ago. Anyway, I had found out about his OW while he was away. Last night I told him that I know about the OW, but he AGAIN blindsided me telling me he is taking her out of town today to meet his family at his stepbrother's wedding. I am FLOORED!!! His affair has been going on since September, even though he only moved out in January. He has lied, cheated, been deceitful, manipulative, passive-aggressive. He lacks a moral compass and integrity. While talking last night, he told me twice he is "done". He even began denying his affair. He also told me that the thing she and he have in common is drinking. He wants a drinking buddy, not a wife. They met at a bar. They are both still married; the OW's H left her about 9 months ago for someone else; they have two small children. And yet, my H was fair game. Yes, I'm mad, but more than this PLEASE help me understand why I haven't let go emotionally yet!! This man is NOT GOOD for me. He and I are very different morally and otherwise. I still want him back! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Why am I holding onto hope.....he is backing up his words with his actions - "I'm done"...he has OW; "I don't miss you"...he never initiates calling or conversations; "I didn't cheat on you"....lie; "We are two fundamentally different people"...yes, I believe in family and fidelity, and I see he does not.

I mean it, I need help with this BADLY!! I need someone to kick me and give me focus on letting this man go emotionally, and in all other ways, but especially emotionally. I have taken a HUGE slide backward. Please help.

M-49
H-47
D Bomb - Dec 9 2016
H moved out - Jan 24 2017
OW discovery - March 15 2017
Son 8 years old

[Thornton]

Hi Love1st,

First things first, there are no magic cures for this stuff. Im back her again after I succesffuly DB'd about a year ago and got my W back.

Today is day 3 for me so I have been in a panic much like you.

Clearly your husband has issues that you cannot fix. Only he can. Oh.. and you can't tell him he's broken. He has to find that our for himself and then takes steps to fix himself.

The OW is your H's drug. She's like cocaine for him. He's addicted to her. His OW is broken too. Sooner or later, it will all come crashing down.

In the meantime, keep coming here to vent. I know how much pain you are in, I'm making myself sick from worry and depression.

Hang in there.

[EastTN]

There is nothing wrong with you! You feel what you feel, and no matter how much it would make it hurt less, you can't simply turn those feelings off. You're in a bad situation. It's going to take time, and healing, and support to get out of it.

Have you tried therapy? That's the best place to get help. Even just talking it out with someone who isn't emotionally invested in your situation and isn't trapped behind a keyboard a thousand miles away has amazing benefits.

[Dawgs]

I mean it, I need help with this BADLY!! I need someone to kick me and give me focus on letting this man go emotionally, and in all other ways, but especially emotionally

Just picture him with her... That will do it.

[love1st]

Thornton,

Thank you for responding. I'm sorry you are going through this as well. I actually thought I had a handle on it until we had that conversation yesterday and it was like my heart being ripped out my chest all over again. I got hooked and fell on my face hard. It is so much better when he is just not around. You say the OW is his drug. And, yes, I know I can't fix him. I just want this hurt to stop SO badly! I am exhausted from little sleep, ruminating and obsessing about him and DB'ing.

It is time I just stop everything....but then I stop to panic thinking if I stop all contact with him, he'll just continue to slide into the comfort and routine attachment to the OW....OUCH!!!! It hurts.

Again, I feel bad ranting on about my sitch when you are kind enough to reach out from yours!! How is your heart doing? How are your daughters doing? How is it you healed from your pain the first couple times?

Thanks!!