Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[ciluzen]

((((Coly))))),

Remember the saying, "fake it til you make it". It applies to us when we have those feelings you describe. You find your strength in acknowledging that you are a hurting and confused to others you trust, but by still practicing the pleasant face (you dont have to "fake happy") and by pushing yourself to participate in things you enjoy or think you might like.

I can tell you a few things that have helped me grow a bit, even though as I've said, I still have my down days.

1) Challenge yourself. What is something that you wished was different about you? Something in you that held you back, made you miss out on things, caused you fear? Push yourself to do it...maybe even practice doing it several times. Make it a weekly challenge. For example, I was not only an introvert, but also painfully shy. I realised I had trouble making eye contact and also walking into a room or situation where I knew no one. Those became two challenges that I gave myself each week. It has become much easier and I am reaping the benefits daily as I continue to practice. Eye contact has become a no-brainer.

2) Laugh harder and smile bigger. I found that I cared too much what others thought of me. It limited and in some cases, paralysed me. As I let that go a bit, I realized the bubbly, good feelings welled up when I stopped containing and controlling my laughter or smiles. It sounded too loud to my ears at first, felt unnatural to stretch my face as much as a truly big smile can at first. But wow! I have had people suddenly remark how my smile lights up a room, my laughter is infectious, and others are drawn to me. It can really send those endorphins coursing through you as much as a good workout! Don't hold back the good feelings when they come and they will pop up more quickly and easily, even if it feels like you have to force them a bit at first.

And Coly, I can hear the love and caring for your H that you still very much have. It also is apparent that although confused right now, your H still cares for you. Mine still cares, too, although the rest is a mystery. Maybe if we take some of the love and caring that we can't show them (as we tried to by everyday actions before) and we parcel it out to others, it will help our outlook, as well. If you showed your love by cooking for him, invite others over to dinner or bring over baked goods to friends or workmates. If you are missing the physical touch, touch people on the arm or hand more, or if it is appropriate, hug more. Be more demonstrative. All of a sudden, its being reciprocated and boy...did I need that.

Hope something here helps a bit. Its a rough road and long, but why not use the walk to pick up a few treasures along the way? Call me Pollyanna...