Even only a few months into this, and I can already see the similarities and differences in what we are both facing. Some days, we feel/act/react like we are on different planets. On others, we both realize we ultimately want the same thing, to be loved by each other. When I first found out about the A, I made a choice to choose love and to put our MR first, and to work through this together. However, since forgiveness/letting go doesn't come easy for her, she is struggling to forgive herself , so that seems to be a major hurdle in dealing with this crisis. She has told me that if "she never forgave me for the past, and she can't forgive herself, how could I forgive her?" She often tells me, "you'll never trust me again, because I've never trusted you again."
Forgiveness is a choice. A person cannot earn forgiveness, b/c true forgiveness is an act of grace. Christians should be able to understand that concept. However, I know some folks who just carry the title........without actually doing what the scriptures teach.
I understand how difficult it is to forgive herself. That was very hard for me, and I've learned how certain things can trigger remorse again. I have also learned that whenever old feelings threaten to open wounds, you have to tell yourself that you chose to forgive.......and you still choose to forgive. Not allowing old resentments to setup house in our heart. The feelings from forgiving someone (even yourself) doesn't necessarily occur instantly, but they'll get there.
Your W may not be able to forgive you of everything in one big scoop. She may have to break it down and take the smaller issues first......and work her way up to the more serious. Holding back forgiveness places her in the same boat as her offender. Her ability to forgive is attached to her willingness. Her problem is that she doesn't want to forgive.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
