Thanks for commenting! It's lovely to hear from you.
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And I think that you are holding things together brilliantly and in a really healthy way for yourself. I would not be able to remain in that situation either, paying down some one else's mortgage. And you moved on fast and efficiently.
Thank you. I've never really done anything like this before, where I reached a limit and acted upon it swiftly. I think H never expected me to leave, given how steadfast I've been. He never doubted my love for him or my willingness to work it out, even after I began the 180 after he told me he didn't love me. My packing up and leaving without ever asking for his help is a total 180 for me.
He hasn't written, but if he does I will respond warmly but very briefly.
And just to clarify, it's my mortgage and my house, too. I had to walk away from it. I've never done anything like this before, and it was a very painful conclusion to reach that I had to go. Honestly, in the few days after I knew his plan was to end things and sell the house, I faced my fear that there may be a foreclosure in my future because I bought a home with someone suddenly acting irrationally. So, if that's what happens, that's what happens. I just know that I had to get away from his anger that was so focused on me. He believed getting away from me and the house would make him happy, so I'll let him do that and see what happens.
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You acknowledge that he is projecting and villifying you. You also acknowledge that he was not the best at handling his children.
Yes, and yes. He is a doting father, just perhaps a little too doting. He (normally) has an easygoing personality and doesn't want them to be mad at him, so he would let so many things go. I recognize that as not being a good parent, because I believe part of the responsibility is pushing back on your kids to help shape them to be prepared for the harsh adult world. He just wanted to love and encourage them, which I admire. But having expectations for kids is a good thing, and he could never bring himself to have them until the weeks before he exploded.
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I know you say his wife was Controlling and unreasonable. But perhaps that's his projections of her just as they now are of you?
I understand why you might think that, but it was actually me who told him that something wasn't right with her. On one of our early dates, I remember he was at my place and he was telling me it was so great that they could be amicable co-parents. At the same time, his phone was buzzing with texts from her. I asked what was going on, since it was a lot of texting and he said "Oh, she's calling me names because she's unhappy with me right now." My jaw dropped and I asked him why he'd say that they were amicable, because name calling certainly doesn't fit that description.
I also saw her come to his house and stand on the porch and yell at him.
It was just constant conflict that I've seen with my own eyes. It was her way of holding onto a connection to him, through negative attention.
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I am sure that my ex looks at me and describes me much as your ex describes his ex wife (phew that's a mouthful).
Possibly, but I think anyone worth knowing would take his statements with a grain of salt, right? My assessment of his ex was not based on what he said. If anything, he underrepresented her crazy. I looked at her behavior with my own eyes and formed my opinion based on what I saw.
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But she might have a reason for her anger. Imagine if he treated her (with young children at the time) similar to how he is now treating you. She would be angry and resentful and thinking about how to secure her financial position as major emotional and physical provider for her children. He broke up with you once and you say it was to appease her. I wonder what his ex"s perspective would be.
Right now I imagine she's pretty gleeful. She very clearly didn't want him to be happy without her, so to know that his relationship has crumbled would bring her joy. She's always wanted me to be temporary, and never tried to get to know me. If her daughter was alone with me on a weekend, she'd show up and get her out of the house so that we couldn't bond. She's just a petty person like that.
I wasn't there during their marriage to say for sure, but I do know that H was much different then. She was (and is) aggressive, and he passively checked out. So she does have a valid reason for her anger, because she thinks that he owed her the relationship of her dreams without her ever having to lift a finger.
H has trauma in his history, and his ex was his attempt to marry his mother. So he was subservient to her. He still won't let himself get angry with her, despite all her shenanigans.
I'm the first emotionally healthy person he's dated, and I think that's why some of his anger is surfacing. I made him secure enough for him to be angry and know he'd still be loved. He hadn't ever had that before. That's not such a great deal for me, though.
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there are red flags with this guy. It sounds like it, based on how he suddenly did a switch, vilified and broken things off with you but felt entitled to your continued mortgage payments.
Prior to late January, I'd say the only red flag was his avoidance of processing his trauma from his childhood. And I know the description of him now sounds awful, because it is awful. It's like an alien came and abducted the guy I've known for the past 5 years, and replaced him with this angry and irrational person.
I don't know for sure, but I think his ex's latest legal shenanigans where she came after him for money, the stress of his kids yelling at him because he finally developed some minimal expectations for them, and turning 50 led him to snap.
Everything I read about MLCs describe what has happened perfectly.
I appreciate your feedback. I hope it doesn't seem like I was dismissing it without thinking about it. I did consider it and will continue to let it float around in my brain.
Right now, I'm going to go sit down with the new pretty notebook that I bought and start writing down the things that I didn't like about him. I figure it's only fair, considering he's got his three pages about me. I just need to get it in writing to help me process all of this and not focus so much on the good things that I miss.
Things weren't easy with him, but I thought our love for one another (which was significant to get through all the troubles we got through together) would carry us through.
