Well I did it......I spoke to a realtor, signed all the papers and put my house on the market. I did tell H what my decision was and he was shocked and was surprised I wanted to sell it. I told him that I no longer have any attachments to this house. It is not that I really want to move (my work is literally 5 minutes from here) but that I need to move. I need to do this for me. He said he has many attachments to this place. A lot of "firsts" happened here for him. He also mentioned that he realized that he had many of the things he did have, including this house, because of me.
When we were speaking about selling the house I asked if we could face time instead of just speak. We were talking and he still has such a sad look to him. I asked him if he could do me a favor and try to smile more, and his response was "I'm not there yet." We spoke about other things, and I mentioned that my other vehicle (the one mainly used for the dogs) was not running. He said "I can come over right now and see if I can help you figure out what is wrong with it." Now.....it was 9:00pm and I was actually starting to settle in for the night. I said if you want to come and see if you can figure it out that would be great. In the past 16 months this man has NEVER offered to help me with anything.
He showed up and we actually ended up taking the dogs for about an hour long walk. He spoke about himself the whole time, which I expected. He still doesn't ask about me, and what I am doing, and I don't really think he is able to do that yet.
We got home, and he sat down and opened his heart out to me. He again said he was sorry for everything I have been through since BD. He is sorry that he didn't think about me when we were married and when he was making decisions, and he realizes he is very selfish. He was sorry for not putting me first. He doesn't care about what people think about him anymore, and does not make decisions based on what others think. He thanked me for giving him a good life, even when he was not able to contribute financially to that life. He said he is willing to sell the house because he knows that this is what I want, and that I deserve to get what I want.
He said a year ago he would have never been able to have this conversation, but he is learning what is important in life. He said up until a few months ago he did not care what I thought about him....but now he does. He also said he is ready to stop talking and start doing, and let his actions speak instead of just words. He mentioned that he wants to regain my trust.
I am continuing to validate him when he speaks, and I do tell him that I am proud of the person he is becoming. I told him that I don't take the A personally anymore.....and that was a hard thing for me to learn. I again said I would never take responsibility for his choice to have the affair, but do take responsibility for my actions and choices in our marriage leading up to it. He said "why would you take responsibility for the A" and I said "because you blamed me for it" and he then said "that was my defensiveness and justification for what I did."
Not really sure where all of this is coming from with him? I guess maybe he is hitting his rock bottom? Or maybe he sees that I am moving on, with or without him, and that scares him. Or maybe he is finally realizing that he needs to look deep inside himself and see that his decisions don't just affect him.
I am moving on, and it feels good to FINALLY be feeling this way. I am looking forward to the new things that are going to be happening in my life.
