Looking for a miracle.

[Irish M]

Hi everyone

I think you are very wise not to contact her again. You've given her the thumb drive, so now it's up to her to build a relationship w/her daughters.

She's dealing w/a lot on her plate at the moment...however, stating what she did about her father was manipulation on her part.

Hi Job :-) I see it as manipulation as well to make us feel bad. Victim is her game . She did it with my mom months ago and even confessed to me that she tried to manipulate my mom with guilt

I know I may sound harsh in this...but she's got to bottom out.

Yes, I agree with you 100% . bottom is still far away for her. She has too many enablers. Her mom paying for her lost income. Her BF , drugs and drinking to self medicate.

Job I completely agree, although something good did come of it, as Irish and the girls will see her father before the end xo

Yes, we are planning a trip this Friday to see him I spoke to his girlfriend and she should call me to confirm Thursday night. It will do him and the girls some good. Sad thing is, the girls think their mom will be hiding in the basement and abuse them. I won't let that happen.

Irish -

Caught up with your sitch before bed last night but didn't reply because I felt my response was harsh. I wanted to see what others said. I read what bttrfly and job said and I agree.

Hi Brubeck :-) thanks for ringing in. No worries about being harsh or not. I read everyone's responses and take them all in. They help me see things at different angles and has saved my own sanity many times over.

I read her note to your girls as saying:

You need to get over this
My life has changed (OM) and you need to accept this
I don't expect to be shouted at

I can see why your girls may not respond well to that.

Hi Sotto :-)Yes, it's not the best approach and it shows that she's not ready to connect to them.
She needs more time and needs to really see things for what they are.

Remind me again - is she on drugs? Because something about that letter sure sounded like what somebody on drugs would write.

Hi KML :-) Yes, drugs are involved. And alcohol. She was a social drinker. 1-2 beers every month at an outing. Not a wine drinker and at home we hardly touched the stuff. When she'd join me at the pub she would have a pint of Guinness and that's it. She quit smoking 17 years ago. Has smoked a joint once in all our time together and felt tired and did not like it.

After BD, she was having wine coolers daily, got drunk a few times, started smoking a pack a day and is a avid pot user. Her BF has crack teeth and is a pot head. Let's just say she is not in the best of hands.

I don't know what to say about the spy and FB. That's unfathomable to me. Sorry you have to go through this in addition to everything else.

hi Bttrfly :-) Well I didn't drop down in any friends on FB. I just hope the message was clear and people mind their own business.

Your ex FIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer right around the same time your exw went off the deep end. At a time when he needed all of his energy and focus to survive, he was faced with a repeat of what his own wife did to him, and had to watch yet another daughter succumb to this MLC madness.

You are so right. I don't blame him and I really feel for the guy. Having his wife do this and now his youngest daughter.

As for your eew (see, I told you the autocorrect spells exw as eew), this to me seems like a touch and go. I'd refer to Cali for a definite on that, but it sure seems like she's monitoring you, and knows you're moving on, so she pops out of her tunnel a bit to stir things up. The key to me is the slip about FB. She's watching from a distance.

Funny that "eew"... gets me each time. Yes, she can do what she wants as long as I don't hear of it. I protect my FB and privacy is on high. I avoid her FB for a year and a half now.

its just a series of Temp Checks at this point and looking at the emails through my MLC-Mindreading Glasses I would lean more towards the fact she definitely is terrified of rejection which is not uncommon with the MLCrs especially given her sitch basically abandoning the 2 daughters as she did and being faced with the social stigma that comes with that ie. "What kind of mother would ..."

Hi Cali :-) yes fear of rejection plays big time with her. Not wanting the girls to speak their minds. MIL also told XW she is afraid tht the girls will call her out on her aciotns . So MIL avoids the girls. How to be an adult by MLC.r grandma.

"it's your move.
i love you lots."

This is simply her validating herself, its a "I have reached out and done all I can the ball is clearly in their court if they want to have me in their life its on them" which is a cop-out at best ....

like some sort of a game. Like you said, it's in the girls court now as per XW. She needs to process this some more and try again hopefully. That letter will make it hard for the girls to even open a 2nd one.

She has a good amount of work to do ... but she does appear to at the least be poking out a touch. Hard to say once faced with the amount of work it would take to open up a relationship with the daughters may make her shoot back into the tunnel for a bit or possible be the driving force to make her take a good hard look in the mirror and start the process of digging out.

Yes the last month of contact has been very different. She did seem lucid but reserved. then this last week very MLC'r/entitled/not guilty. What she told me 3 weeks ago is something very different to what she actually wrote. Like another person wrote it.

Just a guess but I think the MLCer has to continue the lie because its the only way they can keep going

they deceive themselves

the lie is I didn't do that much, It wasn't so bad, it was for the best for everyone, I deserve my happiness, I still don't have to be responsible, I am a good person-I really didn't hurt anyone

Hi Peace :-) yes they deceive themselves but I think they actually believe what they say. When XW was still in the house and she'd lie, She had this smirk on her face like she was getting away with something. It got to a point that it was actually funny. Like Dr, Evil plotting to hold the planet ransom for a million dollars. mouhahaha


So this Friday I will take the girls to see their grandfather. He is happy we are coming.
His girlfriend said XW goes there every 2 months for 15 mins to a half hour. I don't expect her to be in the basement.

XW has been quiet. The letter is sitting on the living room table, the girls have not replied to it at all. D16 had a friend over this weekend and she read the letter. She couldn't believe that their mom is still missing in action. She knows my XW very well as she has been over quite the few times over the years.

D16 made a mistake. She went on XW Facebook using her friends account. She browsed the pictures on the timeline. Saw D14 pic from the parade we were in. XW writing , here's my baby girl. My daughter. Her mom adding the comment .. there's my grand daughter ., No pictures other that that one. She said she scrolled through her FB for months. Nothing about her and no other pictures. Typical narcissistic MLC'r. Selfies and quotes about life.

I reminded D16 it is no good to see her page. She replied she wanted to. She misses her old mom and needs to be sometimes reminded of who she is now. She doesn't want to forget all she has done. Doesn't want to get played again like she did after BD1. It's sad to hear her say things like that. I understand her at the same time. Forgiving XW isn't forgetting. And forgiving is usually after an apology or that she accepts what she had done. Not downplaying it and pretending it never happened.

I think I said this in a previous post. D16 starts jr. college next year. She has applied to the psychology program. She wants to help families that go through this type of crisis. God bless her.