First time here part 2

[leahsue]

Just a little writing out my thoughts-
I've had such weird feelings since that Sunday a few weeks ago when H inadvertently through out that statement about "when this lease is up, I think I'll just get a single bedroom, etc." We had been having good conversations the couple weeks before, that felt promising, and he was planning a week long visit here. But something changed in my heart when he said the apartment thing. I just had to face the truth that this is not going to be settled anytime soon, and I had been putting expectations and hope into something that he was not promising, reading way too much into the positive signs I was getting from him. I really felt like giving up and throwing in the towel. This DB is not for the faint of heart. I believe he could tell that something in my attitude had distanced itself from him. Anyway, the visit fell apart, got postponed, whatever, then the whole Uber incident happened, and I just have been letting negative thoughts take over. I had backed off answering my phone every time he called, or answering texts, not to play games, but just because I didn't have anything to say to him, and I didn't feel like trying to be all upbeat. So I guess I was doing some of the DB things, but not really meaning to, but more from a give-up kind of attitude, and do I even want a R with him again? This past weekend, when he called Sunday, I was not very talkative, answered his questions, told him I needed him to pack up my summer clothes and have them shipped to me, then got off the phone. He seemed puzzled. After church that day I went to brunch with some new friends and when they dropped me back at home, we hung out by the pool for a while. H texted during that time, and when I answered I told him we were in the pool. For the first time, he asked questions like- who's there? are you actually swimming, is it warm enough, etc. He's not shown any real interest in what I was doing since BD, until now. I answered his questions simply, but upbeat, then stopped texting. I may be wrong, but his "text attitude", if there is such a thing with no eye contact or tone inflection or body language, left me thinking he was not that happy about the whole picture- not that he had any say so in what I do anyway, but maybe the first sign that he does think about where I spend my time and with whom. Anyway, Monday, I was reading Sandi's post to someone on here and saw where she recommended a book (and I won't say the title b/c I know we can't), but I kindled the book and read like 17 chapters that day. The ideas were old-fashioned and probably would have feminists starting a riot, but most of it made sense to me, and I took a lot of notes. I decided to try out an idea, which was to verbally express my admiration to H about one small thing that he does, or stands for, etc, and see what kind of reaction I got. So I sent him a text and said- "I was just in line at the grocery and a man in front of me had on a shirt just like yours, and had a body shape that reminded me so much of you- with strong muscled arms, and I almost just reached out and touched his back before I caught myself. LOL. He texted back "Wow. Thank you for saying that." Yesterday he called 3 times (2 before I answered) and we had the best conversation we've had post BD. I said did that make you uncomfortable when I said that about your arms? He said He!! no, I don't mind at all that you were thinking about my muscles, even if it was a man in the grocery store. We got a good laugh. He said, I have not given up on us. We badly need time together, and I'm still coming down there once this office move is over. For at least a week, heck I may stay 2 weeks. (!?!?!) And to think I was worried about having him here for 8 days. He also said, I miss you, but I know we are both growing and learning new things, so maybe someday we can look back and see this turned out good in the end. We said a lot more that I can only think of in bits and pieces, but as we were hanging up he knew there was bad weather expected here last night and today, and he said, For God's sake, keep your phone close by you tonight and please be safe. This morning he called to check on me, and the storms were just cranking up. I had to take dog and get in safe place in the house, and I was truly scared, and he stayed on the phone with me the whole time and even had me laughing at one point about if I had curlers in my hair so when the TV people interviewed me after the tornado I'd be all set- (he does have a great sense of humor). When it was over I thanked him for staying with me through it. Although he didn't really reply to that, in the past I would have read something into it and wanted him to say something, but today I knew he heard me, and that was enough. He's called twice since then to check on me. This is a man who 4 months ago would not take my calls, answer my texts, go for weeks and not communicate at all, didn't know if he wanted to be married to me, well you know the rest. We are far from OK, and have miles and miles to work through, but I feel hopeful today for the first time, that maybe this can end well. I guess I'm hoping that some of the new members here will see this, and hear me when I say that if I had not found this forum, I'm pretty sure he would have filed for divorce by now. It was ONLY when I began to DB and GAL, that things eventually began to change. And the great thing is, it was ME that was changing, not him or the situation. It was ME! And I'm stronger and better than I was before. That would not be true had this disaster passed me by. So thank you DB world, for everything.