I don't know how to get to that place of stability without divorce. I NEED structure. To be able to plan. To TRUST that the plans I'm making can be guided to fruition. To know that I'm not supporting someone who doesn't want me for the indefinite future. To know that one day my wife isn't going to show up at school, take our daughter, and tell me that she's now going to have her day to day while I see her on the weekend. Knowing that if I fight that, the one who will truly suffer is an innocent six year old girl that I swore to love, guide, and protect.
I agree that you need some kind of agreement in place. If it's your divorce decree, then so be it. But with a kid involved, I think financial and custodial agreements need to be in place so that there isnt this day to day fear. My ex and I had a separation agreement that was in effect for a few months before a divorce decree was issued. I wonder if such a document could be drafted by your lawyer(s)? Not necessarily as a precursor for divorce, but to get it in writing so that theres no 'funny business'.
That said, why are you relying on your relationship for your wife for you to have stability? Now is a great time to build your OWN stability in your life. To go out ad make new friends and start new hobbies and fill your calendar with all kinds of fun and exciting stuff. Live your life as if your W is not going to come home.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
When I'm honest with myself, I also want the freedom to see what else is out there. To be able to LET GO of these feelings that I have, that I hold on to because I don't want her to one (imaginary) day find that she wants me after all, and find myself not wanting her.
Honestly, I see that this is almost always the answer. Men on here want to divorce to feel free to 'play the field' again. To me, this looks like trying to lose your feelings for your STBX by putting them in to a new relationship with someone else. To use the new flame to snuff out the old one. Answer me this, if you were divorced right this second and started seeing someone new, how would you react if your W admitted fault, agreed to all of your terms and wanted to come back?To me, until that answer is to tell her to get in line, then theres no reason to be bringing anyone else into this. I believe you need to detach from your W first by yourself so that you can give what is needed to any new R.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
If I had SOME hope? I could do it, I think. It's why I offered MC one last time. I have no illusions this ends quickly no matter WHAT I do. I would expect MC to go on for weeks or even months before I felt comfortable even letting her back into the house. But I could put the work in if I had HOPE.
Thats your choice to feel a lack of hope. Even if the odds are one in a million, SOMEONE is that one. Could it be you? I dont see why not. As MWD writes, when youre putting, you dont need to aim for the hole 30 ft away, you need to aim for a spot 5 ft away that you think you will lead the ball to the hole. So - your focus should be on your goals to move the ball 5 ft - let the long term stuff play out when it plays out.
