Yes some of that has come up in MC, and we have even discussed that she has held onto to everything for so long, that it is eating away at her soul and the MR. Once again, I know my part in this, as it is not all her, but she doesn't let go of anything. MC also thinks that this is part of why there has seemed little if any remorse. We are trying to work through that with MC, but it is a day by day process for us.
As far as the anger goes, I have worked through that with IC, and from what he sees, it is not so much an anger issue as it is, like you said, "how" I portray it. I was a youth pastor for several years (until all of this happened) and my students/leaders often commented about my tone, and speech patterns. Not that I was angry, but more so that I can be very "matter of fact" in my tone and body language.
In combination with her hypersensitivity, it is a dangerous combination. I am working daily on my "how" i speak and react, and I guess that is all I can do. I really do not get angry about much and sometimes I feel like that may be used against me as a "scape-goat" for what she has done/is doing.
I will try that rule exchange, and see how that goes. I have never considered a trade, but that is a really good idea!
As a Christian myself, I always try to hold myself to that same standard, "if it is pleasing to him." I do see that in some respects (as naturally a crisis does) it has drawn me closer to the lord. Early on in the process I was angry with Him, but I have since realized that his plans are not only bigger than I can see, but also than he can do far more than we can imagine. So I have drawn nearer to him. My W, however, has done the opposite. She has always been the far more faithful believer of the two of us, and is in part a big reason I found the Lord again. She has lost her spiritual compass, and the MC is intent on helping her and me regain that with each other.
Even only a few months into this, and I can already see the similarities and differences in what we are both facing. Some days, we feel/act/react like we are on different planets. On others, we both realize we ultimately want the same thing, to be loved by each other. When I first found out about the A, I made a choice to choose love and to put our MR first, and to work through this together. However, since forgiveness/letting go doesn't come easy for her, she is struggling to forgive herself , so that seems to be a major hurdle in dealing with this crisis. She has told me that if "she never forgave me for the past, and she can't forgive herself, how could I forgive her?" She often tells me, "you'll never trust me again, because I've never trusted you again."
The feelings can return and that is exactly what the MC says. If we do the work, the love can and will return. I have told her repeatedly that I am on board for the long-haul and am ready to do the work, I am just praying earnestly that God softens her heart and we can move through this together.
-LW
Me-35, W-31 T: 12 M: 11 S5 BD: 11/2016, Wants Divorce Divorce off table 1/17 EA (11/2016)/PA (3/17)confirmed Status Unknown as of 3/29/17
