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[sandi2]

She has always been hypersensitive, and one that does not let go easily. She is not an apology and move on kind of person, it takes a lot of action to move forward with her. Which is fine, I am willing to do that (and have w/ the porn.). However, she lives double standard in that she wants the world to forgive, but I should simply take "i'm sorry" and move on.

Have these issues been covered in the MC sessions? In order for her to heal emotionally and have a chance at a happy MR.........she must let go of her resentment toward you and forgive you for the past. She may require a lot of professional and spiritual guidance. Waywardness has at least three main issues.....resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. If she is unwilling to work through these issues and forgive you for the past...........she will not experience peace and freedom in her spirit and these issues will continue to tear at the MR. They will also hold back the remorse, b/c as long as she can blame you for her unhappiness.........she feels her affair was justified.

Her complaints are mainly that "I get so mad at her all the time." I validate by saying "I understand that you think I am mad, and I am sorry that is how you feel, but I am not mad at you." She feels like when I get quiet and avoid the fights, that I am being passive aggressive. I may have grown into a type of "nice-guy" over the years, but that is mainly in part to control the anger that could explode at any moment. I have learned to control myself over the years, but may have taken it too far and taken too much.

Have you ever tried anger management or had group therapy for your anger?

I'll share this about my family. Growing up. I use to think my dad was mad when he spoke to me in a serious tone. His siblings had the same traits. When I grew up and was teaching a group of teenagers, I had one of them to tell me they often thought I was angry when I taught. It shocked me down to my toes! I was not angry whatsoever. I felt very passionate about what I taught..........but I was not mad at anyone.

I said all of that to suggest it could be "how" you sound or appear to her. Have you ever heard a tape or seen a video of yourself when you did not realize it was being recorded? Do you believe she has a legitimate reason to feel you are mad at her all the time, or do you think she is over reacting due to her hypersensitivity?

We are in MC once a week, and she willingly goes, and from what he says "our R has become toxic, due to the porn and the A." So we must remove the toxicity before we can begin to rebuild. He is of the opinion that our old marriage died, and it is time to rebuild. He specializes in A recovery, so I think we are in the right place as far as that goes.

Great! Hopefully, s/he will give you the tools to remove the toxicity and rebuild a new MR. Old behaviors can change, but it is easy to get lazy about sticking to new ones. People need solutions as to how to get to where they want the MR.

I see what you mean by not having both feet in, and looking back, she normally lashes out when I bring up something she may have some guilt about. I.e. Facebook. That has always been a complaint of mine, that she spends more time on there than paying attention to me. When I brought that up last night, there was no reason she should have been upset about my words, but she saw that I noticed she was on there constantly during dinner, and felt guilty for it.

Why not suggest to her about giving each other the opportunity to exchange just one bad habit in etiquette? Your request would be that she not bring her phone to the table during meals (or turn the phone off). She may make a request equally. Don't make a laundry list of house rules......just one rule of etiquette you each agree to accept out of consideration for your spouse.

I keep going back to what you said early on in my posts about her being so lost and never feeling like she can be in love with me again. I just struggle to make sure that I be the best I can be for me and my S, but also to let her know that I will fight for US.

As a Christian I am taught to live my life as unto the Lord. That means being my best even when nobody else sees me, and doing it b/c of Him. I figure if I can live in such a way that is acceptable to Him, that's the highest and best that I can possibly accomplish.

That feeling of having lost one's moral/spiritual compass is why I encourage the necessity for therapy in healing after an affair. Each of you have different fears for the future and head visions of the past.........including the affair, the porn, etc. You may experience resentment hitting you hard......at a later time. It is all a part of the painful healing. Once you feel she is back, your focus may shift and thoughts/emotions rise up about what she has done. It's very challenging b/c you're going at different speeds and not always in the same lane. The destination should be the same, but getting there tells the story of two individuals working through a terrible crisis. When you stop and think about it..........an affair in a MR is one destructive force that most people won't lay aside their personal views and join together to work as a team in supporting the wounded. You will get a lot of advice/viewpoints, but the work is left to the two spouses. You can't do her healing, and she can't do yours.

My dad told me something on my wedding day that I have never forgotten. "Marriage can face most anything, as long as love remains the foundation".

The first time around was easier b/c the feelings came first and then the work. The second time around requires doing the work first and then the feelings will follow.