Status Unknown

[LW2381]

Sandi,

It most certainly feels like entrapment. She most certainly cares about public opinion (has always had self-esteem issues) and has openly said that she sees that a lot of her "validation" comes from social media.

As far as scripted mode, I have caught myself a couple of times hearing some phrases from these boards come to mind and have immediately backed off. The one that kind of caught her attention was "I am going to move forward with my life with or without you." Which I think mainly caught her off guard because for the first time she realized that I have thought of life without her. She also had complained in the past she only felt like I "needed" her because she was the only woman who had ever loved me (my mommy issues), and I explained that I "wanted" a life with her, but that I would be just fine on my own. Self-confidence is not something I lack, and she knows this.

She has always been hypersensitive, and one that does not let go easily. She is not an apology and move on kind of person, it takes a lot of action to move forward with her. Which is fine, I am willing to do that (and have w/ the porn.). However, she lives double standard in that she wants the world to forgive, but I should simply take "i'm sorry" and move on.

Her complaints are mainly that "I get so mad at her all the time." I validate by saying "I understand that you think I am mad, and I am sorry that is how you feel, but I am not mad at you." She feels like when I get quiet and avoid the fights, that I am being passive aggressive. I may have grown into a type of "nice-guy" over the years, but that is mainly in part to control the anger that could explode at any moment. I have learned to control myself over the years, but may have taken it too far and taken too much.

We are in MC once a week, and she willingly goes, and from what he says "our R has become toxic, due to the porn and the A." So we must remove the toxicity before we can begin to rebuild. He is of the opinion that our old marriage died, and it is time to rebuild. He specializes in A recovery, so I think we are in the right place as far as that goes.

I see some of the mistakes I have made, and am currently rectifying these as we go. However, there is definitely knit-picking also because she feels so much guilt (this is a killer for her) and tries to take the light off of her sins.

I see what you mean by not having both feet in, and looking back, she normally lashes out when I bring up something she may have some guilt about. I.e. Facebook. That has always been a complaint of mine, that she spends more time on there than paying attention to me. When I brought that up last night, there was no reason she should have been upset about my words, but she saw that I noticed she was on there constantly during dinner, and felt guilty for it.

I know of one friend (a younger girl who works for her) that is more about being a "fun friend" than encouraging an A, or pulling her away from me. She only sees the stress in my W life and tries to help relieve that (she doesn't know my W caused her own stress).

Her family all tells me the same thing (I don't go them for advice), they just know the sitch and tell me, "put her out on her own, let her see what she's missing." I also know that blood is thicker than water and take that with a grain of salt.

She may be in contact with OM, but if she is she knows she can only carry that guilt for so long or before I find out. Also, she has changed her phone habits tremendously (she leaves phone around me, offers for me to see it whenever) which i know means very little, but it is far better than the activity when I know the EA/PA was going on.

I guess, Sandi, my main thing here is trying to let her heal herself, and be supportive, but also not laying down and being walked on. Just trying to find that balance is the hardest part for me.

I keep going back to what you said early on in my posts about her being so lost and never feeling like she can be in love with me again. I just struggle to make sure that I be the best I can be for me and my S, but also to let her know that I will fight for US.

Thanks for all your help!

LW