Status Unknown

[LW2381]

Update/Journaling:

Staying off her emotional roller coaster is the hardest thing I have faced so far.

She has been really bad about blaming me for every fight lately, and there are a lot. Last night for example...We went with her family out for BIL birthday dinner. We were getting along great, talkative, happy, etc. About every 5 minutes she would scroll through facebook, put her phone down for 5, scroll through again. I am not suspicious of anything she is doing, but it started to bother me that she was on her phone non-stop (it is this way ALL THE TIME.). Rather than ask her to stop while we are at dinner (this is a 180 for me), I casually tried to discuss FB with her. I asked "I have tried to get into the FB thing, just to see what it's all about, and I simply don't enjoy it like I thought I would." I then ask her, "what do you like the most about it? What is your favorite part, what attracts you to it?"

At this point, I was genuinely trying to understand what drew her to it, I said it sincerely with no condescension or anything. She answered, "you can post all the happy times, and escape the negative stuff. Everyone thinks you are great." Okay, I think this is dumb, but I validated. She then says, "that was rude to ask, but I'm not mad." I simply look at her with this shocked look, and turn my head away. She then proceeds to tell me, "stop you're making a scene, everyone can tell something is wrong with us." I asked her, "what's wrong? Are you okay?" She says, "stop it."

So when we finally get out of the hell on earth that was dinner and get home, she is angry and starts to blame me saying that I acted "really rude, and mad" at dinner. At no point, was I mad, and I don't think my body language indicated that either (I am very cautious of BL after reading this site and watching TED talks.) Yet again, I validated.

I feel like lately she is looking for any excuse to make be out to be a bad guy. Every fight is the end of the world to her. I try to explain that we are in a very "touchy" place in our R and that a lot of the time we are in emotional states and things are blown up for no reason.

I am fighting really hard to not react based on her emotions (because I know she is fragile), but I'm tired of taking the blame for everything. During these times, I struggle to not defend myself at all, and just take it on the chin. I know she is not in her right mind (I can see the depression, mania at times (crazy spending), delusion (FB life), and exhaustion.

Any advice on how to handle these outbursts? I am almost to the point where I am starting to believe that she is in another world and I am the villain, yet I'm the one fighting to keep this M together?!?! Do I continue to take it and validate, or do I defend myself (I am not completely innocent in this, I know I can handle my reactions better) but, when is enough enough?

We are a month past confession of the A, and she still has yet to realize that a big part of all the tension in the M is due in part to that elephant in the room....

Some days are good, and moments (like last night) it feels like it may never work.

Just exhausted....

-LW