Moored

[HaWho]

Things have been on the quiet side over here. What a change from a year ago where there was only turmoil.

As for h? Lately he seems to be spinning about his age. One day he'll enthusiastically note how young he still looks and then the next he lements he is so old. Lots of struggles with the fact that time stops for no man.

Recently he asked me how I am and he looked me in the eye. He really looked at me, too. I told him I was fine but actually I hadn't had a good day. He seemed to be trying to read my expression.

I reorganized things this weekend and in so doing came across old photo albums. Looking at 2011 and early 2012 his eyes fluctuate between "smiling," and "distant." However, for the first time I also saw some photos of him where his eyes were very defiant. There was a sternness to his jaw I had not seen before. He looks angry in many of the photos. By the middle of 2012 it's all shark eyes, which I noticed years ago.

What's interesting about those photos where his eyes are angry and defiant, is that I saw that same look before. At XMAS, while we were home, his family pulled out old pictures of him as a youth and he looked rebellious and angry in many of those photos. His jaw had the same sternness and he would jut it out just so.

The day we got together with old friends, h's buddy, who was taking pictures asked h why he never smiled for photos. Everyone is smiling and he is stone faced.

The last few days he's been up and 3 or 4 AM and he rattles around the kitchen so much he wakes me up. He is so loud. I can't but help think it's intentional. And then I can't go back to sleep. It makes for a sleepy start to my day.

I have family coming to visit in 1 month. They've never met my kids nor h. Initially they were planning to stay for 2 or 3 days. Now they'll be here 6. It's a lot given the circumstances.

Additionally, at this same exact time, my niece will be in town visiting a friend who moved here. That one worries me because she knows h. She'll for sure see the differences + she is very perceptive to boot. She's also a hit you between the eyes kind of gal. So I am getting worried on how to answer her questions without lying or coming across like my head is buried in the sand.

I haven't even told h yet about my niece coming. I am worried it'll stress him out and he'll get worse/weirder just as he did this time last year when my sisters came.