FWIW, I agree with you about the wishy washiness. After the bomb drop, I tried to detach immediately for my own sake (my philosophy is hope for the best, plan for the worst, and I realized how hard it would be to get through this if I didn't detach). I obviously wasn't successful at the time. I don't believe I seriously even tried until this past week.
At this point, we aren't communicating except about our child, and even that is sparing. That's helping quite a bit.
When I threatened divorce, I wasn't trying to provoke a reaction, though it's clear in hindsight that's what happened here.
I'm still figuring out how to set boundaries. I'm doing individual therapy, and that will probably be my target for this week's session.
