The excitement of what if

[Zues126]

How can you go back to a marriage where you know someone is capable of walking out? Doesn't it set you up for a lifetime of walking on egg shells and knowing that your marriage is not based on committment but based on good behaviors and this demand for something that is not always possible?

JujuB,

I think those are very good questions.

It's funny J, you're preaching to the choir. For me it's beyond WAS's, as I look around the world we live in I don't understand why anyone would put themselves in this spot again with anyone.

I think people are just eternally optimistic. It's like people buying lottery tickets. The statistics say it's impossible, but hey, they're special, maybe it will happen for them. I think people see how long of a shot a permanent marriage is but just feel like it will be different for them.

I also think some people can just stick their heart out, they feel they'd rather love and try and get crushed again than to stay isolated and give up on their dream of companionship. I respect that. I just can't do it myself, at least not in the madness of today's world, at least not at this stage.

You mentioned I reminded you of the "I am a rock" song. It's funny, I was out of town a few weeks ago and I had some pot cookies with my best friend. Something I do every year or two to mix it up a little. Well, for the first time I truly realized how high the walls were up around me right now. It's hard to explain, it was like nothing could ever get close to me right now. I love my children and share my heart with them as best I could, but somehow I feel like if they were all killed in front of me I'd feel pain but I'd just shake my head and wait for my turn for the end as well. Something broke inside of me deep, deep down at bomb drop. It's like I realized how uncaring the universe could be and I was hurt more than I ever thought I could be hurt. Ever since then I just move forward and do the best I can but the idea that anything will ever be ok again has long gone. It's like I'm having a picnic in a graveyard, I'm enjoying my meal a few feet above the buried remains of my loved ones. It's fine, everything's fine, but in a weird twilight zone nightmarish kind of way.

I'd imagine that life might beat this out of me. My isolation doesn't impact anyone else and maybe at some point something clicks and I realize that I only have a few years left and I want to experience some pretense of love again in this world. But every time I wonder if that day will come I see signs of that wall, and I think to myself how there are millions of isolated individuals that die every year. It's very likely that I'll be one of them.

I feel ungrateful because I do see a sign that it's me rejecting the gift we've been given to share in each other's company in this world. But then I wonder if I really am rejecting that, or if it's the world around me that has made the choice to reject it already and I'm just abstaining from the monstrosity that the modern day pretense of marriage has become.

Well, I'm not worried about it. I still feel early in my sitch as I approach my 3 year antiverary. Who knows where I'll be in 5 years. For now I have to assume that the wall is there for a reason and my wounds were too deep to heal anytime soon, so I won't rip off the cast just yet. No big deal on my end.

But for you, I hope you think about this. I'm perfectly at peace right now with the idea of dying alone in a gutter somewhere with no one at my funeral, but you, I hope for more for you J. And in the end maybe people get back with their ex's not because they trust them, or even because they think things will go well, but rather simply because there is no better alternative that doesn't lead to deeper loss. There is no path to avoid the loss. In fact, maybe it's in the acceptance of this loss that we can finally start to let go of our expectations and the resentment that comes from them and start to be appreciative for what we do have. Instead of resenting our partner for leaving, we accept that there is no true or permanent love in this universe but that we get to make our own if we choose to, and it's that or nothing. And so we just shine a little light here and there. I think that's how most people can do it. So maybe being broken is the first step towards being in a spot where you can see the positive instead of just the difference between what you truly want and what is available.

In the end I'm not sure about your future, but I do feel like it's ok to feel pretty closed off for a while. You don't have to end up like me forever, but it is ok to spend a little time here while you grieve. Hang in J.