Eyes on the next curve

[Bird]

Thanks Gordie! We had a really good time. Weather was warm and we got to see both the sun (gasp!) and grass (double gasp!) so that was pretty cool.

Coming back to reality really hit me hard waiting for the plane to take off yesterday. One step forward, two steps back.

No confirmation on OW yet although they were spotted together last week in the lobby of his building by a coworker. I guess they're public now? It's awesome hearing all of this from colleagues instead of from him. I guess if he doesn't tell me he doesn't have to acknowledge it.

We have our meeting on Saturday where we are going to discuss some compromises regarding custody and support. Hoping it goes well but I never know which side of him I'm going to get so we'll see.

So the big thing happening is that when we got to FL last Monday, D12 wouldn't take off her sweater (it was 85) and wanted me to buy her a "really big bandaid" because she cut her arm. Long story short, she cut her arm many many times, with a shaving razor. She had her appt with the therapist today, so I texted the therapist some pics that I took inconspicuously on vacation. I was curious if it was what I thought it was. And it is. D12 denied it when I lightly questioned her about it, which I guess is a hallmark of cutting as well. Therapist asked me to join them for the beginning of the session and I texted H and told him he might want to come as well. He is in full denial first that she was actually cutting and second that it is because of the separation. In the session, she fully admitted that she's cutting and speculated that she doesn't think it is because of the separation (I was worried H would stick to this) but the therapist kind of gently tossed that idea. She told us that it's common and it's a sign of a 12 year old kid who is having trouble emotionally coping with what is happening in her life. He didn't have much to say after he and I left the session, just that we'd talk about it later. He still wants to believe that this isn't destroying our kids. And at this point I don't think he even cares what it's doing to me.

So, kind of a rough night. I'm exhausted from travel, first day back to work in a week, carting D12 around all day and being constantly amazed at H's betrayal and oblivion, the total 180 in his personality since last year. I'm just so tired. I'm tired of being strong and I'm tired of everyone commending me for being strong. I just want someone else to be strong for a while. And I still have a house to pack and get on the market ASAP. I feel like I would have such an easier time GAL if I could just get off the merry go round.