I am fearful of refusing because I worry she will make me into the villain.
Why are you fearful of this? In her eyes, you already are.
First of all, thanks Jeep for your thoughtful reply. I know I am a villain in her eyes, but I fear she will make me into a villain with the kids. I have seen too many families where the father becomes a peripheral figure and the kids gravitate to the mother. I guess I still have a strong fear of rejection. Even though I am showering the kids with love and trying to speak in each of their love languages, I still am occasionally stressed and I still have to parent/discipline. I don't think my STBXW has the same committment. Also, no one is stopping her from blaming me for any woe in her life or the children's life. I just hear a lot of stories of parents "poisoning" their children against the other. I never asked for this upheaval. STBXW pursued it with gusto.
Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Quote:
The truth is, I am now in serious debt and I am reticent to spend on almost anything right now. The kids are clamoring for more extracurricular activities and more material things, and I am more concerned about rent, tuition, and food bills. They did not ask for D, and I feel terrible that I cannot provide them with the things they want. This just worsens my resentment of STBXW.
Similar situation here. We used to go on trips every year with the kids and take them to all sorts of places. Now, I can't afford that stuff anymore. However, I found that doing free stuff (and there are tons of free things) to be much more rewarding and they will remember it just as well, if not better. Take them fishing. Build models. Play games. Play tennis. Whatever. Just do it. Be the best you can and they will see. Be careful about all this buying stuff...
I am doing free/cheap stuff. Best example, took the kids to a car wash yesterday. We cleaned the car top to bottom and the kids had a blast. Each of them said how much fun it was. I am doing my best to minimize expenses, but no matter what I try, there they are. There are just so many financial demands that crop up out of the blue. My car just broke down last week. I owe money on my taxes. Surprise!
Originally Posted By: Jeep74
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On another note, I have joined a dating website. I have already "met" a couple of women. These short-lived exchanges over the website have been invigorating. I have not even made it to the phone stage, but I did get a personal email address. I am so missing intimacy in my life - as you have all heard me lament before. I am going slowly, but I think I am ready to test the waters a bit. If I wait until I have healed completely or until my finances are sorted out entirely, I will never start.
Might want to check with your lawyer first before any dating is done if you two are married...even if you are separated, you are still married.
I rely upon the religious writ of D. Also, I am not sure what the illegalities of dating would be, especially in light of my WW antics.
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
I havent dated at all. Firstly I am not financially fit and secondly anyone I really like would get hurt.
I want a healthy date, to date at random isn't me.
It's 2 years, and I am only saying date not R.
V, as I have said above, if I wait until I am financially fit, I will have to wait forever to meet someone. I have read about your sitch many times. The abuse you endured should never be experienced by ANYONE. But you came out of it intact and you are beloved by so many. Why not date, but be honest about it? People who date are adults and can choose whether they would like to be vulnerable. that said, if it isn't you, then who are we to say otherwise.
Originally Posted By: SunnyB
RAI, just wanted to give you a welcome to this side of things.
Sunny, good to hear from you again. Regarding dating, although I only moved out 5 months ago, the M ended long before that the healing process started a long time ago. I still have a long way to go, and I am taking it slowly, but I want/need to move on. The problem is a logistical one. I am with the kids %50 of the time. The other 50% of the time I am planning for being with the kids or attending to child-related things. So with almost 100% of my time taken up by work and children, when is there time to date?
Originally Posted By: J5K
I am not sure reality has hit XW even after all we have gone through.
J5K, given the insanity my STBXW has perpetrated, I don't think she ever will understand the extent of the damage she has done. If she was cabable of understanding this, she would never do what she is doing.
Originally Posted By: J5K
I too have missed intimacy. I started dating just after the new year, a little over a year after XW left. I by no means am ready to have a serious relationship and am very honest with those I meet. It is just nice to know that there is someone from the opposite sex that still finds a D'd father attractive enough to at least go out for a nice dinner!
I think my biggest issue is where I live - which is a bit off the beaten path for most of the women that I have met. As I am orthodox Jewish and will only date orthodox Jewish women, that limits the pool a heckuva lot. There is someone here that I am sort of interested in, but our community is so small, that I am hesitant to date her in case things go sour.
