Okay, try to keep an open mind when I ask you this. Given the answers to your questions, why do you feel you are the only one that can truly work on saving your marriage?
Now you may fire back -- "I've tried to tell her how unhappy I am!! She just won't do anything!!"
I don't doubt you one bit. However, I do not think she understands with absolute clarity just how close she is to losing her marriage, and you are the only one who can do that for her.
I think one of the reasons the W or H is reluctant to tell their spouse of their unhappiness -- or even that they are ready to walk out the door -- is because they do not trust their spouse to STOP them, or to really get serious about working on the marriage. So they stay in a half marriage, hoping the spouse is going to wake up and get real.
I would never advocate saying to your spouse "if you don't start working on this, I'm packing my bags and leaving." That is a threat, and you are not leaving your spouse any room to make a choice.
But I truly think that if you want your spouse to hear you and take you and the situation seriously, you must take yourself seriously. Really answer for yourself where you are on your happiness scale, where you want to be, and have enough respect for your own state of being to say to your loved one, "look. You seem to be okay with the state of our marriage. If that is really the case, then I need to be honest and frank with you. I'm sorry, up until this point I haven't been. I love you with all my heart and I don't want to hurt you or our children. But I can no longer continue in the state we are in. I feel like an emotional and physical prisoner in our own home. There is no trust between us, there is no communication, there is nothing more than an unspoken agreement between you and I to not rock the boat. I don't think divorce is the answer, but neither is staying in this gridlock. I really think you and I need to pull together and seek whatever help we can find to get us out of this.
I don't think the marriage should be MY way, but right now, it is all YOUR way. We need to find a path to OUR way, and I am telling you right now, I will do that with you, and I will do everything in my power to meet you half way.
If you feel you can't do this with me, or if you feel you won't do this with me, I need to know. No one should feel like a prisoner in a marriage. Not me. Not you. And if this is what we are, and if this is how you want to stay, then one of us has to have the courage to end it, for all our sakes. And I am the one willing to do that.
Take a week to think about it, and let me know your answer. If you think you can't decide, or you won't decide, then I will.
Your marriage cannot and will not go anywhere until you are ready to trust your spouse to handle the truth. Now they may not LIKE the truth, but you cannot fix what you are not willing to acknowledge. Look at Glenn's and Pam's exchanges. Neither one of them likes what they are hearing, but at least now they have the TRUTH out on the table. The going may be slow, because it HURTS to see and recognize truth. It takes some time to gain your footing and lose your illusions. But they are on the brink of having an incredible relationship because they are now at least TRUSTING one another to deliver the truth. A person can RESPOND to that.
Look, we are all adults here. You need to grow up and so does your wife. It HURTS to grow up and leave your illusions behind. People hit emotional gridlock for a REASON. And that reason is because it is time for the B.S. to end and start working together, and trusting one another to hold up their end. You do your part, and I'll do mine. But the only way we can do that is if we TRUST one another to deliver truth.
We all know and recognize truth. My H has given quite a bit of his truth, and it f'ing hurts. What he is saying isn't what necessarily hurts, my losing my illusions is what hurts. I have to take a good, long look at myself and OWN my behavior. Until he is willing to speak truth to me, there is nothing challenging my illusion, my false sense of whatever. And until I can rid myself of that false sense of whatever, he and I can go NOWHERE.
I must do the same for him. I have to give him my truth and trust that he can handle it, or he cannot respond to me in an honest fashion. Withholding truth and trust is either my weakness or his, depending on who is withholding. It is an attempt to hold the other prisoner by keeping THEM stuck in YOUR illusion. It is the ULTIMATE power play. Do you see?
Remember, CeMar. You cannot fix what neither one of you is willing to acknowledge. You don't trust your wife to hold up her end of the marriage. She uses your lack of trust in communicating your truth as a means of holding you prisoner.
If you love your wife, if you love yourself, and you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to get real and honest with both yourself and with her.
You just told me you have every reason to trust and believe in your wife. She was present and made her marriage vows, just like you did. Now trust the integrity you think your wife has and start having some real conversations with her.
Never doubt that it is going to be painful and hard. But just know the pain and the insecurity and the doubt you will feel through the process is not necessarily an end, but a beginning.
