It took longer than expected, as everything has in my sitch, but... ta-da! My divorce was final March 7, and I feel good about it.
2016 was a horrific year in so many ways, and one of the hardest I've personally been through. A/D and therapy and lots of exercise still didn't always stave off depression and I found it hard to get out of bed many times. Somehow it all got done anyway, with lots of breaks in the action.
I had started negotiating with H on the financial stuff, the only part of separating that we didn't see eye to eye on, working with a financial advisor. That broke down - he went to two meetings and stopped going, saying he didn't need financial advice and he thought the suggestion of spousal support was outrageous, and he felt like the advisor's purpose was just to pressure him into as much support as I could get out of him. She was really intended to be working for both of us to show us projections and ensure that we would both be OK in the long run, instead of just him being OK. We continued to not see eye to eye, and so I decided once we had everything except support agreed on, it was time to work the last issue out with lawyers.
I switched to a third lawyer on the advice of my financial advisor. The first two had told me to expect no support because the county formulas calculated $0 for me. The third L (who I met with just around my 50th birthday in August) looked at my financials and agreed with me and the financial planner that I should definitely ask, and show that I meant business, but no guarantees if it did end up in court - would depend a lot on the judge. So with her help I filed for D, drafted a new proposed settlement agreement, and at the same time got a court date set for Feb 2017.
The amount of money I spent overall on the lawyer and financial planner was shocking, but I needed to spend it, it helped me get out of this on a good footing, and empowered me, and could have been a lot more, honestly. Our main goal was to show that we were more than willing to go to court if needed, and at that point we'd have been in for tens of thousands more (each). And we very nearly ended up there. It went right down to the wire. We even did all the discovery, and hadn't agreed by the time of the preliminary hearing even.
It was a tough negotiation; however, we arrived at a number that I feel comfortable with - if I save most or all of the support I will be able to catch up on a moderate retirement nest egg. The biggest problem was trying to get H to agree that he should care at all about my retirement. He and the court only looked at support as (a) what do you need to live on monthly right now? (b) why do you need that much? and (c) how much less is that than what you earn monthly right now? If I lived right now on a break-even basis, and support ended in 2 years, I would be bankrupt in my early 70s. H still never saw that as his problem, and never saw it as a result of the career disadvantages I took to raise the kids, but he was finally willing to see another way to justify it - as back support for not having paid enough to keep me afloat over 4.5 years of separation while I paid all of the kids' expenses. Whatever it took to justify it to himself was fine with me.
Ultimately, I know I took a hit over the past 4.5 years but I'll be ok if I'm careful going forward...and he feels like he got screwed in one area but got away with something in another...so I think it is a fair outcome that we could live with.
It was very hard for me to take all those steps, when it was HIM that wanted the D in the first place. He was clearly never going to move, and I had realized by August that I was losing money and couldn't afford to keep living in our house. Something had to be done, and so I did it. I felt a lot of the time like I didn't deserve what I was asking for (he's very persuasive and strong in his opinions), that I was doing something wrong, that I wasn't smart enough to understand all the finances, that I was not going to be ok, and on and on...and had to really fight through all of that negative emotion.
Meanwhile I had to sell our house that I had loved, had to get everything fixed up, had to argue with H to get him to pay half of the repairs, I and the kids (mostly I) moved every scrap of furniture, stuff, junk, garbage, hardware, spare lumber, drywall leftovers, down to the last wingnut in the workroom. H did absolutely nothing to help with cleaning out our 16 years of stuff. He later claimed that he had given me all of that stuff by abandoning it for me to deal with, and tried to consider it financial payment to me. Argh. I was mad every step up the basement stairs carrying heavy loads, mad mad mad mad up the stairs for three months July August September.
My therapist, who I felt very close to and who helped me feel OK, retired in July, and I didn't find a replacement until much later. I really should have tried harder on that.
Meanwhile I got S off to college for his freshman year in August and worried about how we were paying for it. (We did ok! We're figuring it out as we go.) And missed him.
I sold the house in one weekend - yay! But couldn't find one to buy until the 11th hour. I ended up re-looking at a neighborhood I had ruled out, and it was a godsend. It was hard to downsize and I'm still struggling around excess furniture that needs to get sold or donated, and learning all the parts of homeownership that had been H's area of expertise before. But - I love my new home. Love it. Love the neighborhood. It makes me happy every time I drive up to it.
The dogs did not do so well in the move. They've had a lot of behavioral issues that boil down to rapid cognitive decline, like dementia/Alzheimer's, for my older dog. There are dog fights, house soiling and destruction, confusion, anxiety, and best of all, no sleeping at night. With the relatively recent understanding of what's going on, we have medications to try.
I also, on top of everything, tore a tendon early in 2016, had surgery and was on a walker for 6 weeks and rehab for a few months, and am still kind of getting used to reduced functionality. That was depressing for me too even though I tried to have a good outlook. Oh and paying the bills for that was super fun.
In all of that I slipped a couple of times at work, where there would be days I know I was sitting at my desk all day but couldn't say what on earth I had done all that time. The first time was while I was trying to negotiate with H, get S to college, and sell the house. The second was right after moving in to the new house and dealing with the dogs and traveling for work and settling S16 in. I really missed having a helpful life partner.
All in all, I'm so glad it's all behind me and I am working hard to take lessons from it so I can handle what life is sure to continue to throw at me, while taking care of myself and not dropping the ball at work.
This has been rambly but I wanted to capture it here to close the book on my D journey. I got so much help from the DR book, the DB community, and the special group of DB'ers that I got more close to and even got to meet...it all really saved me in many ways. After 5 years or so, I am OK and going to be even better than OK, getting along with H, H getting along with the kids, and even understanding that getting a D wasn't the end of the world or even necessarily a bad thing. It was out of my control but I tried to make the best of what was in my control and become a better person from it. Hopefully I did, am doing, that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
