Quote: What he says is that we all must face the 2 choices that are presented and MAKE a choice. Where problems arise is when we duck the choices. So for a LD woman, she must face the 2 choices that she has, and they are "To regain the ability to WANT our spouse" or basically divorce. For the man, his choices are to accept nothing less then her desire or move on and find someone else that will WANT you (divorce). The problem is that so many of us accept a third option, to do nothing or continue the failed tactics that result in nothing.
So there's only two choices, and the HD man needs to confront the LD woman with these two choices, saying, "this way or else", and measuring it all in terms of sex? I don't buy this. When things are difficult, it's often helpful to try to widen the number of choices, and to pick an approach where *you* can take the initiative.
I really like what Michlynn said about a 6 month trial in which she is trying to do everything she can to show love to her spouse.
Do you know your wife's love languages? Was there ever affection in your marriage? How much affection do you show her, and how does she respond when you do?
In my own marriage, though, I also decided that I had to be really clear about my needs, and not drop the subject. I do tend to be fairly confident, and I am finding the support network here helpful as well.
Quote: About the status of the man, yes, we should not accept crap. What I have seen from my own wife and also from what some other LD women have posted before is that their HD husbands are not the confident men they need.
This does not ring true with me for my own relationship. Confidence is not my problem. Confidence, combined with careful reflection, is very important - but confidence for what? Ultimatums can be an easy way out, and place the blame squarely on the other person. That makes them appealing - particularly when you lack confidence.
Quote: The women sees that she can give very little to the man in a physical relationship, and when she sees how easily he is willing to put up with the crap that she is giving him, she loses respect for him. She wants a man that is willing to stand up to her, even about sex.
I'd be interested in hearing from LD women if they think this approach would work with them. I have read sharings from several LD women that tell what the "Aha" experience was for them, and I don't recall any that seem to quite fit this pattern.
In my own marriage, we have been able to ratch up the visible affection quite a bit in the last few months, though sex is still a hope for the future. And I am finding that affection helps a *lot* in dealing with sex. People around us have been noticing and teasing us about the way we are flirting with each other.
Quote: I am not sure I agree with everything this guy has written yet, but it does seem to have some truth to it. He seems to be a brilliant analyst. Like I said though, it confuses me when compared to other books I have read.
I'm a great believer in empirically-based medicine. Does he offer solid statistical evidence that his approach works?
Quote: By the way what is the right thing. I have 3 young kids in a marriage where there is no affection and very liitle sex. If I stay, then the kids will be far better off. There is no violence or anger in the house. But a women that does not desire affection and sex, has absolutly no way to make ANY love bank deposits with me. There is absolutely no point to a marriage to a ND women.
Is your wife open to working on the marriage at all? What if you had to work on other areas first, before the sex issue could be resolved, would you do that? A marriage without sex is a very odd, difficult thing, and a marriage without affection is worse.
Quote: Heck, even the Bible says that divorce from a ND woman is OK.
The Bible is very clear that marriage is intended to be a sexual relationship, and strongly urges partners not to withhold their bodies from each other. But I'm not familiar with any place in the Bible that says it is OK to divorce your wife if you aren't getting sex. Of course, in the Old Testament, you could put away your wife fairly easily with a certificate of divorce for just about any reason, but Jesus said this was "for your hardness of heart", and the New Testament is much more stringent about marriage.
