Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[ciluzen]

Hi Coly! I hear you. I'm doing the same thing today. I could be doing a million other things, but its one of "those" days, where I seem to look for clues on FB (my X is not on social media, either) and look at postings by former friends enjoying family time and wonder if he's there, too, or what he's doing (he still does things with them). Its silly (in my case) as we're supposed to let them live their life while we try to move on with ours. But these days happen.

And it is scary to think of going forward into the unknown alone. Its not what we thought the plan was. I don't know about you, but I have a hard time picturing me letting my guard down in the future, although others who have gone through this tell me that it will happen.

I have noticed, however, that I usually have these down days following contact with H...usually the weekend following it. That is probably why the prescription of GAL and NC go well together. We eventually get into the habit of concentrating on ourselves and meeting our own needs so that we aren't always looking to them and then missing them so much that we get into this state. I want to tell you that although I'm having the same issue today, these episodes are becoming farther apart and not quite so debilitating. It does get better.

I also wanted to tell you that the most loving thing you can do for him AND you is tell yourself that you are giving him as long as he needs to work on himself alone and to work on yourself, too. I had the same fears that XH wasn't brave or strong enough to come home even if he wanted to. Now I just want to give him the gift of listening and being available as he works on himself. I didn't really know if he was, until our last conversation...which started with him getting mad at me for not giving in on a financial issue and ended with a 2 hour talk (me mostly listening). There were lots of surprises.

We really don't know what they are thinking. We shouldn't even try to figure them out. THEY are trying to figure themselves out. The thing that helped me most was getting busy figuring out what I wanted and leaving him be. He's found reasons to call (sometimes over a month of NC) and I've had to contact him as issues with our D and taxes and adult kids have needed to be addressed. But that's almost wrapped up. He's noticed my some of my changes, though he doesn't acknowledge them willingly...he has been telling me of his insights into his own behavior, now. He wants me to know of them...so I validate. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that even though there are days like today, I have a lot to be grateful for because of the kick in the behind I got from him leaving. I didn't realize how much of me I had lost that now I'm finding. I didn't want to be D either, and no matter what people have told me and what he has done, I MISS HIM. But I also realized how much I missed me. And knowing that now has made all of the difference in how I treat myself.

So, we can have down days, cry, sleep too much, yell at the invisible ghost of our MLCer on the walls and get nothing done. But remember to wipe the tears away, get dressed up and go out and treat yourself to a kick-A life of your choosing. It is attractive...it attracts others. You won't be lonely. I'm probably going to cry and procrastinate some more today, but tomorrow I'm going on a three day trip. One that I know XH never wanted to go on. What are you going to do for you?