Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[Coly23]

Spinning this afternoon, I don't know why. Nothing has happened, just stupid thoughts going through my head....

I am so grateful my H is not on FB and I don't use it much but every now and then I have a peek to see what is going on but very rarely post. I see all our friends posting about the fun family days they are having with their Ws and Hs and kids and wonder if he is with them having a nice time with their families.

One of Hs friend's wife, the one who at the beginning told me to pull myself together and who whom I haven't spoken to since last September, posted about her kids today. I think I am suffering from the green eyed monster and I can't stop crying because she has the life I am meant to have.

When I met H his best friend was going through a break up with his wife and he met his now wife very quickly after the break up. They then split up and got back together after three months. He was going through a divorce at the time. My H and I then got engaged during which time our friends were trying for a baby which wasn't happening (they each already had a child from previous relationships). My H and I then got married and fell pregnant pretty quickly and this understandably really upset our friends. Unfortunately we lost our baba at 11.5 weeks and then low and behold she fell pregnant a few months later and had a beautiful baby boy. They got married a couple of years later. So now I don't have my baby and I don't have my husband but she has it all and I resent her for it and I hate myself for feeling that way.

I'm also really scared. I don't want to go through another divorce. I really don't. Sometimes I just want to scream! I keep praying to God to make me strong so I can cope with all of this but I just can't seem to get it together.

Also I know in my heart that my H just isn't brave or strong enough to come home even if he wanted to and I don't think I have anything that he needs or wants that's why he doesn't miss me. I look at myself and wish I was a nicer person, I just hate myself so much right now... :0(