Wife left two days before our anniversary! Part 2

[jbroken]

Jbroken, welcome to the club no one wants to be a member of. I just read your sitch and it is very similar to most of our sitches. You are very lucky to have Jeep giving you advice. He is a seasoned warrior and a treasure trove of good advice. Listen to him, he is pure gold. Sunmoon is also golden. Even though she does not have years of experience to her, she is very wise and clearly very open to intuition. Kaizen also a great poster.

Thanks Vapo. I know all of them have been wonderful. I don't know what I would be doing without them and all the great folks offering their support and advice here.

You are 3 months post BD and still in shock. This is normal. Things will likely turn for worse for you once the shock wears off, and that too is normal. You have to quit seeing her action as something that is done to hurt you. Not everything she does is designed to hurt you, in fact hardly anything she does (or says) has anything to do with you. IT IS ALL ABOUT HER. In her eyes she has been unhappy for years with you and not that she's broken free of you, she is finally happy (so she thinks) as it is only logical to be happy when disconnected from her source of unhappiness. It will take time for her to reach the conclusion that the reason for unhappiness is within her and it is not you. You cannot do anything to help the situation, but you can do so much to screw it up.

I'm just short of a month in from the BD. We had a separation for three months prior to this latest event. I'm afraid there are just too many 'biased shoulders, protectors and rescuers' around her to make her realise her role in our sitch. Plus there are 'enablers' in her midst that want our M to end and for her to move-on quickly.

YOU WILL NOT FIND THE SILVER BULLET TO CHANGE THINGS AROUND. Quit looking and save yourself the time. Work on yourself. Get a life. Get busy living and not pining away for her. Looking pathetic, needy and just being a hot mess is soooooooooo unattractive to anyone. There is nothing you can do to turn the sitch around for her. Print out Sandi's rules. Have them laminated. Read them daily. Twice daily. It is not you, it's her. That does not mean that you are without fault. You are not. You are a human being. You are faulty by default. Now is the time to better yourself and trust me, you can do with bettering yourself. Quit being a pleaser, quit being a "nice guy" (when you finish DB, i recommend reading No more Mr. Nice guy).

That's what I'm trying to do at the moment. I just have a lot more bad days as opposed to the good ones. And I don't think I can classify myself as a 'nice guy' by any means - I have done my share in the sitch. But, at the same time I have also owned up to them. And I more than willing to do my part. My heart has always been in the right place. Perhaps, it is my current mindset and like I said in previous posts on the bad days I just can't stop seeing this sitch and myself through her eyes. And it makes me feel like dirt.

As for common friends, they are just perplexed with the whole sitch and I believe they are not taking sides. Her friends will take her side, and some will choose to be distant so that it does not appear they are taking sides. It's normal, that is just the way things are.

I'm not entirely sure what's happening with common friends. But, I do feel they have taken sides. I must point out, though these friends are common to us now, the primary relationship was always through my W - they are her friends first. Then eventually became mine - at least I thought. And then over time, I was introduced to their Hs/BFs so on. She brought a LOT more friendships into our R or M than I did. And these lot are part of that. The fact that not a single one of them has called or even sent a message in a month to see how I am doing - I'm afraid, the proof is in the pudding. She cut me right out of our world - just like that.