Anyway, I digressed. start thinking about all of your positive qualities. Start thinking about all you have to offer, usually I would say get your ego out of the way, but in this case, groom it a little bit. you are a loving, caring, honest man, (from what I have seen here) you have a lot to offer a woman that WANTS to be with you and cherish you. I know it's hard to think about another woman right now. I don't like the feeling of having to picture another man in my life, other than H. but, I have literally started putting together my ideal man in my head. it keeps my mind off my H and actually excited about meeting someone new someday. If H decides he wants to stay and make things work, great. but i can't sit around and wait. I preparing mentally so that if it does happen, I'm already halfway disconnected.
jbroken,
Wise words from Sunmoon! Take them to heart. You still have so long to go to make it where you feel as if your knees aren't about to buckle with each step, but you are getting there. It took me several virtual hammers before I could even see straight, and even then I didn't want to see her for what she really is.
It's OK to mourn the loss of the marriage. And its OK to love the OLD wife. Where things get crazy is when we obsess over things. Really, there isn't anything we can do - there isn't a single action that we can do that would make someone come back. After all, would you REALLY want that? Would you really want someone to come back as a result of something you said/did over truly wanting it on their own?
You have a road ahead of you that's paved with gold - while you may not see it because of your mindset, its there. You have a blessed future ahead of you. That's all you need to know. There is nothing else you can do, or should, but work on yourself.
Sometimes things happen and the hand we are dealt isn't the one we wanted. Don't let this consume you - I've seen what happens and it isn't pretty. This is your time to shine now. I'm not going to hold your hand and blow pretty smoke, because that isn't what's needed. Take care of yourself for you and you only. The best thing to do? Act like she doesn't exist. At all.
I hear you Jeep74. I guess my mindset is not allowing me to see ahead, see through the fog. As you tell by my posts - I'm up one day and down the next. I have more bad days than good ones. But, I keep trying to pick myself up. Every time. And I'll keep going.
JB,first know that I understand what you're going through. This stuff, especially, the first few months, is so brutal on our souls. It's like you're stuck in the breakers and are being flipped over and over again. Tough to tell which way is up.
The advice you are getting here from everyone is solid. I'll latch onto your reply to Jeep above. You say that your mindset is not allowing you to see ahead. I'd ask the question to you of who controls that mindset? It's you brother. You can change your mindset at any point.
Is it easy? No. I get that. I get stuck at times too. But it's necessary and is definitely do able. Reading your thread I see a smart, well spoken person. Take control of the situation and use your brain to figure out what you want. It sounds like you have been locked down with the flu recently. What have you done with your time? This may be a blessing in disguise as being laid up can give you a lot of time to think. Have those thoughts been constructive? I.e. Have you thought about what makes you happy? What you need to fix in yourself to be happier in the future? What you will get out of the house and do as soon as you are over the flu?
You NEED to focus on you, especially if you've gone dark. Your Ws journey at this point is hers alone. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and start trudging down your own path. I'd bet before long you're walking, then jogging, then sprinting down your path. This whole thing can be a blessing if you make it one. My situation is different, but I can tell you that my R with my D would never be as strong as it is right now had it not been for this crap. That alone is probably worth the BD, the cheating, the lying, etc. I needed a wake up call as I was on cruise control and this bad stuff was it. Always a silver lining brother. What will yours be?
Hang in there and I hope you are feeling better. Draw strength and comfort from knowing we are here to help and have been where you are. So, what are you going to do to make yourself better?
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
