Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[Coly23]

Ginger/sotto, thanks for your comments. Yes it does look like I am focusing too much on H and his needs but that's because my needs don't matter one bit to him!

Ginger, you are right his visits probably had more to do with me wanting to see him than D. However I realise it was enabling him to have the best of both worlds but it was just hurting me.

Well it's been over two weeks and not a peep from H, even D hasn't heard from him. We are pootling along with full weekends and getting D ready for her exams. She said to me yesterday when I asked if she has heard from him recently: "you know, I really love Dad but I don't like him at the moment so I'm not bothered about seeing of hearing from him". She is right off course, come to think if it feel the same way...

I just continue to feel rejected but trying hard to rebuild my self esteem. That's no mean feat!

Hope you are all gang a good weekend!

[Coly23]

Spinning this afternoon, I don't know why. Nothing has happened, just stupid thoughts going through my head....

I am so grateful my H is not on FB and I don't use it much but every now and then I have a peek to see what is going on but very rarely post. I see all our friends posting about the fun family days they are having with their Ws and Hs and kids and wonder if he is with them having a nice time with their families.

One of Hs friend's wife, the one who at the beginning told me to pull myself together and who whom I haven't spoken to since last September, posted about her kids today. I think I am suffering from the green eyed monster and I can't stop crying because she has the life I am meant to have.

When I met H his best friend was going through a break up with his wife and he met his now wife very quickly after the break up. They then split up and got back together after three months. He was going through a divorce at the time. My H and I then got engaged during which time our friends were trying for a baby which wasn't happening (they each already had a child from previous relationships). My H and I then got married and fell pregnant pretty quickly and this understandably really upset our friends. Unfortunately we lost our baba at 11.5 weeks and then low and behold she fell pregnant a few months later and had a beautiful baby boy. They got married a couple of years later. So now I don't have my baby and I don't have my husband but she has it all and I resent her for it and I hate myself for feeling that way.

I'm also really scared. I don't want to go through another divorce. I really don't. Sometimes I just want to scream! I keep praying to God to make me strong so I can cope with all of this but I just can't seem to get it together.

Also I know in my heart that my H just isn't brave or strong enough to come home even if he wanted to and I don't think I have anything that he needs or wants that's why he doesn't miss me. I look at myself and wish I was a nicer person, I just hate myself so much right now... :0(

[ciluzen]

Hi Coly! I hear you. I'm doing the same thing today. I could be doing a million other things, but its one of "those" days, where I seem to look for clues on FB (my X is not on social media, either) and look at postings by former friends enjoying family time and wonder if he's there, too, or what he's doing (he still does things with them). Its silly (in my case) as we're supposed to let them live their life while we try to move on with ours. But these days happen.

And it is scary to think of going forward into the unknown alone. Its not what we thought the plan was. I don't know about you, but I have a hard time picturing me letting my guard down in the future, although others who have gone through this tell me that it will happen.

I have noticed, however, that I usually have these down days following contact with H...usually the weekend following it. That is probably why the prescription of GAL and NC go well together. We eventually get into the habit of concentrating on ourselves and meeting our own needs so that we aren't always looking to them and then missing them so much that we get into this state. I want to tell you that although I'm having the same issue today, these episodes are becoming farther apart and not quite so debilitating. It does get better.

I also wanted to tell you that the most loving thing you can do for him AND you is tell yourself that you are giving him as long as he needs to work on himself alone and to work on yourself, too. I had the same fears that XH wasn't brave or strong enough to come home even if he wanted to. Now I just want to give him the gift of listening and being available as he works on himself. I didn't really know if he was, until our last conversation...which started with him getting mad at me for not giving in on a financial issue and ended with a 2 hour talk (me mostly listening). There were lots of surprises.

We really don't know what they are thinking. We shouldn't even try to figure them out. THEY are trying to figure themselves out. The thing that helped me most was getting busy figuring out what I wanted and leaving him be. He's found reasons to call (sometimes over a month of NC) and I've had to contact him as issues with our D and taxes and adult kids have needed to be addressed. But that's almost wrapped up. He's noticed my some of my changes, though he doesn't acknowledge them willingly...he has been telling me of his insights into his own behavior, now. He wants me to know of them...so I validate. I don't know what the future holds, but I know that even though there are days like today, I have a lot to be grateful for because of the kick in the behind I got from him leaving. I didn't realize how much of me I had lost that now I'm finding. I didn't want to be D either, and no matter what people have told me and what he has done, I MISS HIM. But I also realized how much I missed me. And knowing that now has made all of the difference in how I treat myself.

So, we can have down days, cry, sleep too much, yell at the invisible ghost of our MLCer on the walls and get nothing done. But remember to wipe the tears away, get dressed up and go out and treat yourself to a kick-A life of your choosing. It is attractive...it attracts others. You won't be lonely. I'm probably going to cry and procrastinate some more today, but tomorrow I'm going on a three day trip. One that I know XH never wanted to go on. What are you going to do for you?

[Coly23]

Oh Ciluzen I am so grateful you posted to me, thank you, thank you! But I am sorry that you are having a tough day too. It really suc£s that these days can just creep up on us from nowhere. Usually FB doesn't really affect me although I always feel very envious of others with families but today, I don't know I just got to me.

I feel so hopeless today and I keep thinking that I should be stronger by now but I'm just not. I am so afraid of the future. I don't want to have another failed marriage. I feel like such a failure. The only good thing in my life at the moment is my D and I feel I have failed her by not being able to give her a father, step father or brother/sister. I feel so much guilt that I have let her down.

I've not head from H for two weeks now ever since I said I didn't think I could do the two nights a week when he was coming over. I just feel so hurt that he can't be bothered to find out how I am even. I thought I was doing well because I wasn't spinning as much as when he was coming around but I think I am in withdrawal.

I know the best thing to do is to leave them but like you I miss my H so much it physically hurts. I am making plans without him but I can't stop the hurt.

Tomorrow will be a better day. Hugs to you (((ciluzen))).

[Altair]

Dear Coly,
I hear you. (hugs). As the vets tell us, things will get better. Yes, being D again is a fear, but I think you and I will make it through this fine, somehow. Keep your head held high, and it is so great you have your daughter. Sundays seem to be our worst days of the most weakness!!
As for me--same here, 2 weeks of NC.
hang in there!

[SBJ]

Coly, you are not th one who left. You are the one that wanted to fight for your M. You are the one that supports your daughter. It seems like you are the strong one...you just need to tell yourself that.

As someone said earlier...we don't know what they are thinking or doing, but we do have control over what we do and also of what we tell ourselves.

Stay strong and fight...not for your husband, fight for yourself.

[Coly23]

Dear Altair, so lovely to hear from you. I miss our regular updates with AP too.

I'm hoping things will get better but it seems to be taking such a long time! I feel sometimes that I am getting better but then something happens and triggers my anxiety and I spiral down even further. Will this ever end?

I am so grateful for my D but I constantly feel this guilt for her even though she says she is fine and I have nothing to worry about. What makes me mad is that H stood up in front of 80 family and friends on our wedding day and promised to be the Dad that she never had. I can accept the fact that he has broken our vows but to break the promises he made to her for me is unforgivable.

How is it going with you Altair. Has H moved as yet?

SBJ, thanks so much for your visit. I don't feel very strong at the moment but I do also realise that H is not very strong either and that is why I think it is likely he will not want to work on our marriage. I know that's mind reading but he has always been the sort of person who would rather walk away than fight.

I need to stop focusing on him but its so hard. I think my anger is starting to kick in and I'm afraid it might explode at some point!

I feel so exhausted with it all. I have just finished reading Raine's sitch and although she reconciled her H left again and that's what scares me. If me and H ever reconciled I would be so scared he would leave again. I'm not sure I could cope with that.

Thanks for responding guys, I really appreciate your support and encouragement.

[Altair]

Hi Coly,
I'll update you on my thread!

A.

[mleigh4]

Oh Coly, my heart hurts for you, I remember these days. I am trying to think back to what helped me, but honestly, I don't think many things helped very much. It's a grieving process.

One thing I do remember is that I would feel moments of happiness when I would pamper myself. Do things that you enjoy. I would get lost in a good book, get a massage, have lunch or dinner with a positive good energy friend, go to the beach.....think back to when it was just you and what you enjoyed doing.

Take it minutes at a time. Eventually it will go to hours then days where you aren't feeling that physical hurt. I remember an hour would go by and I would think, wow, I didn't think about H at all for a whole hour!

Also don't forget, it takes an amazing, loving, caring woman to stand for her marriage. That is you, feel that love and compassion for yourself.

Love and hugs
M

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{Coly}}}}}}}

FB is not reality. Its the facade people want you to see.

There is so much about being a LBS that is out of our hands, but I want you to remember the one thing we do have control over is ourselves. If there is something you want to change about yourself, do it!!!

I have faith in you!!!

xoxoxoxo