One week to be divorced... and counting

[25yearsmlc]

I have to say I was also considering one different aspect of the issue: are all these changes in their schedule positive for the kids?
I would like to know at the beginning of each day in which pillow I would lay my bed in the afternoon.
It's the kids, not us, who have to change their homes week after week.
Has anyone given a thought about this?

YES I have. I just helped you express those concerns to your w in a far more productive way

When I used to argue with h about some things "For the kids" or b/c of my concepts of fairness,
1) SOMETIMES i used a shield of "The welfare of the children" to advance my own issues, my own anger & wanting to remind him of the pain he caused. I did not want him to feel "off the hook"

Other than not always having the purest of motives, it also

2) NEVER worked. Any guilt or remorse he may have felt, was converted into blaming ME for turning kids against him

OR quibbling about small things to create drama or b/c I "like to make him look bad".

(I'm ashamed to admit there was some truth in that. Things that bothered me a lot, often were barely noticed by the kids. I'm not completely sure why i made those such big deals).

But EVEN when I was honestly trying to help the kids, his reaction often led the kids to look to ME as the trouble maker.

I really think you can use this as the opportunity I suggested or some other positive way of getting her buy in, to a gentle boundary reminder.

You don't seem satisfied with that type of interaction. So I'm just cautioning you based on what I've seen here and my own experience,

falling on your sword for what many would see as reasonable (the examples you used of her switching a day or two and always paying them back and so far, always having reasons you supported,

well I think it could backfire...

but good luck.

Are you still at all interested in someday being open to Recon?

And as for the kids - do not underestimate the value of Kids seeing you GAL and being at peace.

Something my DB coach that helped me was to

Lose the Parental Tone/Voice with a WAS.

Because everyone including a WAS has an inner voice/moral compass

when we use our parental voice with our spouses, it shuts down their inner voice.

The more you challenge her choices, the more she defends them, etc.

Sure, calmly gently speak to her about keeping things stable for the kids.
I asked you to say it in a constructive tone.
I think it'll be far more effective than falling on your sword to denounce her as if she is not caring about the kids.

My suggestions that you set the boundaries in a fun GAL way, would achieve 2 purposes with no down sides.
You'd set a boundary she'd be more receptive to AND you would add a little air of mystery with your upbeat CHANGED attitude.

And it's not going to escalate, correct?

How can this be a bad thing?