WOW.....that last post of mine was definitely long (sorry about that)
Blu......I have read what you posted to me several times. What you said makes a lot of sense to me. I am not sure exactly what it was that made me have this change of feelings towards my H and my M. I agree that he is conflicted, and that he thinks he has done too much damage and can never repair what he has done to me or our M. I also think he has too much pride and is a coward, and lacks the courage to be able to tell me how he really feels. And, until he is able to do that he will continue to struggle. He really doesn't have the coping skills needed at this point in his life, and I'm not sure if he ever will. He is totally depressed right now, even though he would never admit that.
I was proud of myself for being able to spend that much time with him, and validate how he was feeling for the majority of the time. I did get emotional at one point, and as usual he showed no sympathy towards me at all. It's as if he just shuts that part of his brain off.
I have started detaching from him.....something I thought I would NEVER be able to do. Now, have I totally detached, no where near that, but at least I am on my way. For the better part of the past 16 months he has consumed the majority of my thoughts. Since meeting with him the other day, I find that I haven't really thought about him as much. I guess seeing him look pitiful, knowing he is struggling because of selfish decisions he made/continue to make and being emotionless, have allowed me to be able to do that. I am trying not to take everything he says or does personal, but when it is being done to you, or has been done to you for such a long time, it is really difficult.
I am going to move forward with my life. I am finally excited about things moving forward. I am looking forward to selling this house and finding a new place to live. I am looking at places very opposite from where I live now. I think this will be so good for me.
I have not given up on my M, or the possibility of some sort of R with H, but I am moving forward and will continue to DB. I will definitely keep in mind what you said about not doing all of this with the thoughts that he will come back, or to punish him in some way. That was a great thing for me to read.
Skyghigh.....all of your wonderful words of wisdom and support has brought me to this place where I finally am starting to feel like I can move forward and let go. It has been very difficult for me, and I know that things are still going to be difficult at times, but I am looking at things differently. I can feel a little of the old me coming back, and I like it
I also feel like my anger towards H is becoming less of an issue for me. I know he is reaching out because he needs money, but I am going to have to not let that upset me, or bring me to a place of anger.
