Reiterated strict zero contact rule she agreed. She had deleted the contact, but there seem to be residual emails in her inbox on some group emails on multiple devises. I spent time going through and deleting the rest as best as I could. I still think its not enough, because we have old cell phones in drawers laying around, plus the fact W probably has contact info memorized. IDK if this is right, but I even text the OM (I know he's deathly afraid of me) to do the same He replied back agreeing. I will continue to invasive with him and battle two fronts if I have to.
Having her agreement is good. Did she agree to cooperate in being completely transparent?
Were you going through her group email and deleting things that included OM.......and was she aware? I can see it as helping to delete things that could be a trigger for her. However, from this point forward, it is her responsibility to delete or detour those triggers. The group emails could be a problem if they mention OM's name or if it includes remarks (and emails) from him. Things of this nature is where she will need to be educated in how it will affect her emotionally and keep the affair alive in her head. If I had not received the information of how it works much like a drug to an addict, it would have taken me forever to get over it......and then I may have been ready for OM#2, as a way to feed the craving. It's not the OM she really loves.....it's how the affair made her feel. Affairs are highly addictive, and that's why some people will find a replacement if the first affair fizzles out.
I think I'd dispose of the old cell phones. Nothing is foolproof, and she can always buy a pay-as-you-go cell if she wants to keep contacting OM, but it would not have old text messages stored on it. If it were me, I'd consider the old phones as part of cleaning house and throwing out the trash.
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I have my first appointment with a IC today. W is researching her own and is going on her own accord. She is in contact with one but does not have an appointment set up as of yet. I haven't pushed it with her this is her own doing. I did tell her that If I decide to move forward, I will request to see a MC together. I will choose one like you advised.
I really wish you had insisted on couples therapy for healing after an affair. I have heard a lot of negative outcomes (and experienced it myself) with so-called MC where they basically tell the WW to get a divorce and go find whatever makes happy. But anyway, I hope she lucks out and gets one that is pro-marriage.
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We talked about sex, I said I'm not doing it until she is tested and as a result I have to get tested too (protection or not). She was a little taken back. She said that she recently had surgery (this was after she admitted everything) and received a pap smear and the results were negative. I didn't fall for it.
I'm sure she was taken back, however, it also shines the light on the fact that she has been, or would be, putting you at risk........so, IMHO, getting a STD test is nothing but right (and considerate), if she cares for you at all.
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sandi2 I have to tell you..... You seem to put in a lot and effort and time with me on this and I see you do across multiple threads. That is unbelievable to me and I am truly grateful. And... there are others here that do the same, you are all fantastic!
Ah....that's so nice! I have found some really good people here, and miss them when they leave. We invest time in each other and we share a very personal part of our lives. I don't remember seeing anyone here who did not care about the outcome of their fellow DB members.
Just one more thing while it's on my mind. I have seen some H's so eager to pass forward what he's learning with the WW that he would be voicing a phrase he picked up on the board, or he would verbally repeat certain things that were said for his ears only. Not that you've done this.....and I don't know if you follow me or not, but a W knows her H better than anyone......and she is smart enough to know he's getting those words from someone else. It's kind of like hearing someone read out of a book. What I'm saying is that it may not be as effective, if it sounds like someone else's words to her ears. Unless you are advised in how to directly say something to her, I caution you to remember that this board is your tool box......and not hers. Does any of this make sense?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Having her agreement is good. Did she agree to cooperate in being completely transparent?
Were you going through her group email and deleting things that included OM.......and was she aware? I can see it as helping to delete things that could be a trigger for her. However, from this point forward, it is her responsibility to delete or detour those triggers.
Anyway sandi2, It was during a discussion of transparency and she acted like she was confused and needed help deleting everything. I guess that she tried to delete everything, but missed a few. We were sitting together. I will get rid of the old stuff too.
I originally made the appointment to see IC for my sake. To get my own action plan in place before we do MC, plus the appointment was made before your suggestion. I went, spent $150 and seemed like I did all the talking and the IC rushed me out in 40 mins. a little annoying and not particularly gratifying. I have another apt this coming Tues. I don't see it lasting long. Although I get the most here, I'm having a hard time with the DB program because I work and live with W and we are around eachother most of the time. Its hard to be stealth.
One other thing happened today. We received an email from my S14 math teacher today. She was concerned because he got a failing grade on his last test (unusual). when he got home we talked to him about it and he told us that he knew everything thats going on with our M and even overheard our discussions about the A. we didn't engage him about it. I was stunned because we tried to keep it quite. I asked if D16 heard that as well and he said he thought so. Later on in private he asked me if it were true and I said we will discuss as a family. I know this is effecting them....
I originally made the appointment to see IC for my sake. To get my own action plan in place before we do MC, plus the appointment was made before your suggestion.
I'm not sure I understand. Are you wanting the IC to advise you as what to do in going forward?
I suggest the therapy be one of the priorities as part of your plan of action. If the IC couldn't spend an hour with you, maybe you need to seek a better one.
By calling it a plan of action, I mean you plan out what and how to take steps getting to a better place in your life, instead of blindly stumbling around and not progressing at all. Seeing an IC may help you have a better sense of direction or clear your head. Plus, s/he may offer techniques for conflict resolutions. However, if s/he is not a solution based therapist, it may not be very benefitical. You may have to check out more than one or two.
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Although I get the most here, I'm having a hard time with the DB program because I work and live with W and we are around eachother most of the time. Its hard to be stealth.
Even more reason you need to give some space by leaving the house and going to the public library to read DR and do your posting, or whatever. It is important to get a life that does not include her all the time. Do you have hobbies, sports, male friends that you enjoy apart from her?
It is also part of your plan of action. You set time aside to go to a place where you can gain information in how to go forward with a healthy MR and balanced life.
Don't let too much time go by waiting from one IC appointment to the next.........while you do nothing. Have you made any plans for fun/interesting evenings at home and away from home? Anything special for the weekend? I realize the atmosphere can be tense in these situations, and that it's a real effort to plan ahead to have non-pressured time together. I recommend having friends over for a cookout, or meeting up to engage in some fun activities (bowling, live shows, etc.). Doing these type of things in small groups help to step away from so much drama between you and the W. Like I said, it takes effort, and you will probably have to be the encourager, b/c your W may be depressed after ending the affair.
She has a lot of inner work to do before you may see what you deem as "heavy lifting" from her. Both of you have a lot of work ahead...........but it may not always appear equal in your opinion. It's b/c her work and your work are somewhat different and not at the same pace.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks again for you response sandi2! Yes, the IC was for an "action plan". As per your advise to seek a quality pro marriage C, I emailed the IC today and told her that Im not moving forward w her. It wasn't only you, my W and D16 went to a dance competition this weekend which gave me the opportunity to pick up a copy of DR. I had the time to read most of it and I realize that my sitch is in a different place than I realized.
The W seems to not want a D. She wants to move forward with R. She gave a promised NC. I still know I have to be on high alert and skeptical and she may have to go through a withdraw period.
It was me that wasn't sure. After diving into DR I have a different view and understanding that no matter what happened in the past, D is not necessarily the best option (grass isn't greener). So far the book has enlightened me a bit to that. I know that I/we have a long path to recovery and it won't be easy. At least I feel that I have a beneficial tool to create a cognitive "action plan" I do acknowledge that I'm in the beginning stages and its going to take while to adapt to the principles of DR fully, but at least I have a good guide with the Forum and materials. It's going to take a lot of work.
For the first time in about a month I do feel good.
Don't live on hope, man. If she wants to come back, she will. Remember the butterfly? Keep squeezing and you know what happens? Keep that in mind.
Doing all this in hopes of "winning" her back and not taking care of yourself first and foremost will take you down the failure road. And then what will you have? Resentment - for her, but worse for yourself?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Point very well taken. It a tight rope walk. I am certainly trying to take care of myself, but still not confident in my sitch. It's all I think about these days. I'm trying very hard to put a good face on and at least look strong. I feel myself starting to feel better. W has sent good signals and she has been very forthcoming. I know that the flames of the fire are extinguished, I just have to be carful of the residual embers that lie beneath.
Yesterday I felt like I was finally getting my emotions in check.
Today, a different story. It's amazing how your emotions ebb and flow during a sitch like this.
W seems to be on the good side of wanting to work it out, but she's annoying me because I think she has the just "sweep it under the rug" mentality. She not doing anything out of the ordinary to help her or me.
I have accumulated a bunch of knowledge from this forum and in the DR book and I just want to throw all the material at her, but know I can't. Should I be telling her what to do? Guiding her? or... should I sit back and wait till she gets moving. Why do I have to do the heavy lifting, when W is the one who had the A???? Doesn't she owe me?
Today the sitch is on repeat in my head and I'm getting pissed. I feel like I should be yelling at her, but know I can't! Frustrated and venting!!!
