Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

I'm solo parenting for now so I will come back to respond to individual comments and questions later.

Last night WH came home and help put the kids to bed, ate dinner and then approached me to have our talk. I am paraphrasing but will try to be precise for clarity's sake.

Me: "I overheard your conversation with your cousin last night and was very hurt. We had ML about an hour before so you can imagine how I felt to be referred to as a "room mate" and to heard you compare your Affair break up with the devastation your cousin is experiencing after her fiance' broke up with her. I do not have abandonment issues and trust me, I could go out tonight and find a guy. I do not need you, I simply would like it if we could salvage our marriage. But it is clear to me that you feel I am desperate and will accept anything as long as you stay with me. Let me disabuse you of this, I have absolutely no problem if you walked out that door tonight and never walked back in. I encourage you to do so if you want to, I will not stop you."

WH looked very embarrassed and asked if he could clarify what I overheard and I gave him the floor. It was a long talk so I will bullet point the important parts:

-WH was trying to convince his cousin that she could move on and eventually the pain of separation would dissipate. He said he knows the Affair is not real love but the pain he felt after the break up was very real to him.

-He said he felt giving yourself 100% outside the marriage was a big mistake he made. He feels you should only give 100% in the marriage.

-He told his cousin that he treats me like a room mate sometimes and that it is very unfair to me. He says I have become the literal fantasy woman he always wanted and yet he has no idea why he can't "fall" for me

-He said he is starting to have moments where he misses me and feels warmth and "something" when he thinks of me. But he will not feign emotions as he feels it is dishonest and he only wants me to get the authentic behavior from him.

-He knows this marriage is extremely lopsided and I am doing the lion's share of the work. He says he feels guilty but is unsure how to do the work when the motivation is not there. (I bit my tongue a lot at this point)

-He says he would be the biggest loser in the world if he lost me but he would never stop from leaving as I deserve to move on if he cannot/will not show remorse.

-He still is unable to show remorse as he feels unsure of what to do. He says he would never cheat again because I am "nice" now. At this point I cut in, I told him that my behavior should not EVER be an excuse to cheat or remain faithful. He immediately corrected himself and said I was right, that he was using justifications for his infidelity. I also told him he still had poor boundaries and he seemed taken aback. He said he would continue to work on that.

Anyways, those are the highlights. He asked if he could hug me as he said he felt horrible that he hurt me so bad. I let him hug me and told him that we REALLY needed to communicate more so I know what's up and down between us. He agreed and again told me how sorry he was that he hurt me so badly.

I am proud of myself, I did not REACT but rather listened and validated, drew proper boundaries and showed WH he could trust me with his feelings and thoughts. I did not argue or try to convince him of my worth. Furthermore he knows I will nto tolerate being taken for granted and that I am perfectly willing to leave this M if he continues to barely pull his weight.