Your sitch has always been the head scratcher for me and that says a bit all things MLC considered.
Personally I think we all come here and do what we humanly can to try and salvage the marriage, then over time and a good amount of mirror work we all change into better and stronger people. The one thing that rings true to me even more so now is the "The old marriage is dead" line ... it is very much true, and honestly for me its not all a bad thing because the old Cali too is dead. TBH I would not even date my MLCr at this point. I read a bit into your refusing to go back to that place with your H ... you are so much stronger now and after all the work we have put in I do not think anyone can blame us for finally demanding better especially when the MLCr really has not done the work nor made much progress comparatively speaking over the past 2/3/4 years.
Like job .. I have thought and even said for some time that you would be the one to move the sitch ... seems your H would be forever comfortable with status quo, and it does appear you are arriving to a point of "Sh$t or get off the pot" as my father would so eloquently put it. We all know when enough is enough, for me I have accepted this new life, its strange and I do find myself at times disappointed with the loss of the family unit but not so much her anymore if that makes any sense as I realized that I allowed portions of the 3 years of my sons life to pass without soaking up every ounce I could being distracted here and there ... I am not going to miss another second due to her crisis.
No one but you can say 'when' ... you just know it deep inside, atleast I did. I am at peace and continue to grow, heal and learn and I wish that for all who are here ... but like all things this too takes time. You are such a strong amazing person I have no doubt you will get to where you need to be regardless of what your H is doing.
