Am I Dreaming or Played a Fool?

[sandi2]

Reiterated strict zero contact rule she agreed. She had deleted the contact, but there seem to be residual emails in her inbox on some group emails on multiple devises. I spent time going through and deleting the rest as best as I could. I still think its not enough, because we have old cell phones in drawers laying around, plus the fact W probably has contact info memorized. IDK if this is right, but I even text the OM (I know he's deathly afraid of me) to do the same He replied back agreeing. I will continue to invasive with him and battle two fronts if I have to.

Having her agreement is good. Did she agree to cooperate in being completely transparent?

Were you going through her group email and deleting things that included OM.......and was she aware? I can see it as helping to delete things that could be a trigger for her. However, from this point forward, it is her responsibility to delete or detour those triggers. The group emails could be a problem if they mention OM's name or if it includes remarks (and emails) from him. Things of this nature is where she will need to be educated in how it will affect her emotionally and keep the affair alive in her head. If I had not received the information of how it works much like a drug to an addict, it would have taken me forever to get over it......and then I may have been ready for OM#2, as a way to feed the craving. It's not the OM she really loves.....it's how the affair made her feel. Affairs are highly addictive, and that's why some people will find a replacement if the first affair fizzles out.

I think I'd dispose of the old cell phones. Nothing is foolproof, and she can always buy a pay-as-you-go cell if she wants to keep contacting OM, but it would not have old text messages stored on it. If it were me, I'd consider the old phones as part of cleaning house and throwing out the trash.

I have my first appointment with a IC today. W is researching her own and is going on her own accord. She is in contact with one but does not have an appointment set up as of yet. I haven't pushed it with her this is her own doing. I did tell her that If I decide to move forward, I will request to see a MC together. I will choose one like you advised.

I really wish you had insisted on couples therapy for healing after an affair. I have heard a lot of negative outcomes (and experienced it myself) with so-called MC where they basically tell the WW to get a divorce and go find whatever makes happy. But anyway, I hope she lucks out and gets one that is pro-marriage.

We talked about sex, I said I'm not doing it until she is tested and as a result I have to get tested too (protection or not). She was a little taken back. She said that she recently had surgery (this was after she admitted everything) and received a pap smear and the results were negative. I didn't fall for it.

I'm sure she was taken back, however, it also shines the light on the fact that she has been, or would be, putting you at risk........so, IMHO, getting a STD test is nothing but right (and considerate), if she cares for you at all.

sandi2 I have to tell you..... You seem to put in a lot and effort and time with me on this and I see you do across multiple threads. That is unbelievable to me and I am truly grateful. And... there are others here that do the same, you are all fantastic!

Ah....that's so nice! I have found some really good people here, and miss them when they leave. We invest time in each other and we share a very personal part of our lives. I don't remember seeing anyone here who did not care about the outcome of their fellow DB members.

Just one more thing while it's on my mind. I have seen some H's so eager to pass forward what he's learning with the WW that he would be voicing a phrase he picked up on the board, or he would verbally repeat certain things that were said for his ears only. Not that you've done this.....and I don't know if you follow me or not, but a W knows her H better than anyone......and she is smart enough to know he's getting those words from someone else. It's kind of like hearing someone read out of a book. What I'm saying is that it may not be as effective, if it sounds like someone else's words to her ears. Unless you are advised in how to directly say something to her, I caution you to remember that this board is your tool box......and not hers. Does any of this make sense?