One week to be divorced... and counting

[25yearsmlc]

I don't mean to hi jack but 25MLC brings up control and that's a hot button issue for many of us - me too.
[b]
If Ripe wants to stick to the agreement they wrote together, and as laid out how is that controlling?


In and of itself, it's not. Please read below.


I agree that if anyone wants flexibility with the other side they have to offer it. If they don't want it why is that controlling?


I did not read Ripe's post as meaning he wanted "no" flexibility.

Imo, someone who is talking about children as opposed to a bank accounts, would probably need some flexibility. I just think that comes with the whole parenting challenge.

Both parents want to attend big events even if the events don't land on that parent's days, or a grandparent gets sick, or a parent does, etc...and yes, I think that's best for the kids as well.



I would ask the question that if someone is too available for the other side to live their new life - are we not being doormats?[/b]

"Too available for the other to live their new life....= being doormats..." ??

I'm not sure what this^^ stems from. In general, my reaction to a statement like that would be

Not to worry about what your former spouse is doing.

Stay out of the WAS's sandbox and live your own life, in your sandbox, well.

Spend as much time with your kids as possible.
To me, Being flexible isn't being a doormat.


Due to the thread title and Ripe's question, I took it to be him asking us whether he should change the D decree in the 11th hour, which made no sense to me.

Plus, I don't know if Ripe's ex w would say he's controlling or angry, etc.

Which is why I asked him, and her views matter for several reasons.

But especially
if Ripe holds out hope for someday reconciling, (which happens after divorce, too)

He doesn't need to fuel her negatives and no, being a doormat is not what I'm suggesting.

The divorce decree only incorporates & reflects an agreement Ripe and his xw already made. In that agreement, Ripe & she share custody half and half.

Ripe,

If your real question is whether you should SAY something to her, yes I'd totally agree with.
Can you simply talk to her about it?

Maybe Tell her you are "fine with the switches so far" (b/c complaining about a past switch that you agreed to at the time, will Not help you now)

but you are "just concerned about it happening too often in the future, for her sake, especially the kids sake"

AND b/c YOU are GAL and need more notice, etc. Say that with a PMA

She will react, but you can validate her reply that you both " need to be flexible, and she asked you, etc" and then just gently remind her that sure, you get that,

but you are planning your GAL in advance and "some flexibility is of course fine, on a case by case basis"

Then maybe ask her something neutral like about her family or job, etc.

End the conversation first. Not abruptly but Because you are busy living your life well and need to get back to it, etc.

In other words, Can you See this as an opportunity?