Your sitch really hits me on an extremely deep level as far as how the A started, the age of your kids, and how long you have been married.
I think that's great that you've put the focus back on your family. I too, felt like I had neglected my family and tried to make up for lost time.
I want to tell you that your M can come back around, but you need to understand that it will not be your choice if that happens. You know what you want; she is the one who is confused, so you need to proceed with caution.
Be a lighthouse for your family, but you do that by not focusing on W and the M, but by focusing on being the best person you can be.
I'm also here to tell you that there is no way you can "nice" her back. She needs to understand that what she did was really 'effd up and that if she wants to have a R with you, that is something you won't tolerate.
Right now she's holding onto a lot of resentment. She's blaming you from holding her back from OM, and that's some bad mojo.
You need to take your focus off of "saving" this M and put it into saving yourself.
If you take care of yourself first, everything else works out.
I'm going to tell you that i used to think and do the same things you're talking about now. my W felt smothered. add that to the resentment and rewritten history she was building, and it made for a really rough time for me. I was so confused because I couldn't see the A right in front of me and I didn't know where all of this animosity was coming from.
The more I caved, the more she disrespected me.
Sandi will tell you the same thing. the approach to a WW and a WaW are completely different.
Don't be a doormat; set boundaries, detach, work on you. If you can do those things you will be the best dad to your kids, the person you want to be, and-when (or if) she's ready- the best H to your W.
The absolute worst thing you can do right now is try too hard.
