Struggling

[Jim1234]

Married 23 years, together 26, two kids, boy 17, girl 15. I was told she wanted a divorce in July '16, and she filed immediately. She has talked about it for a long time, but finally made the decision. She says we want two different things in marriage. I want a companion, friend, confidante, lover; she says she just doesn't ever see wanting a physical relationship with anyone ever again. She wants me to find someone that will make me happy, and fulfill my needs. She bought a house in Dec, and is moving out imminently. We've been through years of counseling, but she doesn't want to go any more. She says she has no desire to reconcile (I know, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see....).

We had a good marriage for a long time, but issues with her smoking, her deteriorating health (9 surgeries in the last 8 years.... bunion surgery gone horribly wrong), her fibromyalgia, her depression, her “putting the minimum effort into marriage I can get away with until things improve between us”, her putting kids first-marriage last, her withdrawing into back room/garage for 23 hrs/day to smoke (she didn't smoke in the house, but set up a little smoking area in the garage, with a heater, table, chair, 'fridge, outlets for cell and laptop until she got pissed at me one day two years ago and moved into a bedroom in the back of the house. She stays there literally all day, except for bathroom, food, or when she goes out. She claims not to be depressed...”I've been depressed and know what it's like. I'm not depressed, and can't wait to get out of this room”).... put a serious strain on our marriage. Recent money troubles haven't helped. I'm not blaming her, just giving background.

I don't mean to imply that it's her fault. It's not. I admit, there were times during her depression that I was not as supportive as she needed me to be, but I was absolutely as supportive as I could possibly be. There are times I was not as respectful as I could have been. She also feels I have been controlling, and to a certain extent, I have. I have tried to validate how she feels. I realize I've given her what I want, not necessarily what she wants, thinking it was the same thing.

I know “time is my friend.” I've tried a lot of the techniques in DB and DR. I don't pursue anymore, no more gifts, I'm getting a life, I've done the 180 in every way I can think would be helpful. We get along fairly well, even go out together with friends, don't really fight or argue, but she doesn't want to stay and work on our marriage. We talk, but mostly just about the logistics of running the house, and who's going to drive the kids around. As I said during counseling, "it's hard to hold a conversation through the garage door."

Like I said, she's moving out imminently. Her house needed work, and is almost ready. The court's support decision was vacated because she didn't move out soon enough, and in the last 6 months my pay has gone down, through no fault of mine (company decision) so she isn't going to get as much support as she thinks.

Money is getting very tight. I have not picked up overtime in 20 years. She's pushing me to do so. I'm not inclined to, because if I do, my support obligation will increase. I don't want to HAVE to work overtime forever just to pay her support, just because money's tight today. After the support conference determines how much I have to pay, I will probably work some overtime to pay my bills.

I am trying to get a life. I'm going to the gym, getting together with friends I haven't seen in a while, going for long walks, visiting family more, busy with taking care of things around the house rather than putting them off, and I've always been very involved in the kids. She has suggested and encouraged me to date. Is dating part of getting a life or should it be avoided at all costs? I haven't seen that addressed here. I have been out with a few women, and enjoyed myself, but feel guilty for feeling like I'm cheating on my wife, and knowing these women are looking for a relationship, and I know I would avoid one, so I feel like I'm wasting their time.

I guess my last question is.... How long do you implement these techniques and pine away for your wife until you are a chump and a doormat?

thanks in advance.