It takes two to make it work (pt. 6)

[SBJ]

Hi SBJ,

Anyway, that parenting class for me was pivotal in understanding why my husband is the way he is. He was the parentified child. He was used as a weapon. He never saw his parents make up, only fight so he only learned to avoid fights or to go in for the kill.

bttrfly, I guess since she an I have always co-parented well together it didn't help me much. On the other hand, now that you mention how her past might have been formed from the way her parents were with her that kind of makes since. My W is a great mom, but lacks communication skills with me...more than likely as a result of her parents marital issues and divorce.

And yes, I am a person who went through this divorce process telling my exh exactly that, "I don't want this but I love you and want you to be happy. I don't believe in divorce. I don't believe our marriage cannot be saved but I love you enough to give you what you want. If you want this divorce, it's up to you to make it happen. I won't stop you but I won't stand in your way either."

Did it save my marriage? No. What I think it did was give my exh many opportunities to pause. He dithered for a good while. That approach really took him aback, which was good. It gave me a chance to DB during the time that we went through mediation. Most importantly SBJ, it gave ME the chance to figure out what it was that *I* wanted. I realized a lot of things by coming at this from the most loving place I could.

I strongly encourage you to say that to your wife and watch what happens - both with your wife and for you, internally.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

I did say that to her and got little to no response. She is still in a fantasy world as to having a life with this OM. I cannot change what she does or wants, but like you I am trying to find out what I want. She will either click one day or she won't, but I have to find out who I am again and just enjoy "MY" ride with my kids now. I do love her and miss having her in my life...she truly was my best friend and the love of my life, but we all make choices and have to live with the consequences of those choices.

SBJ--I think she was hitting on you!!!

Gord, I think she was just building me up. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but she is a pro-marriage family law attorney. She and I agree that God can heal a marriage, but both parties have to actually want to save it. My W is still wrapped up in her fantasy and thinks her Utopian Life is just on the other side of signing the D papers.