It takes two to make it work (pt. 6)

[bttrfly]

Hi SBJ,
Here we have to do 5 hours in person parenting class, split over two days, or the courts won't hear your divorce petition.

Funny story: this was initiated by the judge who oversaw my ex inlaws custody battle over exh. This judge literally saved my exh's life when he was a teenager and going down a very bad path. She had him come to her chambers every single day after school for months while she tried to decide what was the right thing to do for him. She was an amazing woman. My exh called this the "ExMIL and ExFIL Memorial Parenting Class" ... my son teased him several times - "Gee dad, don't you think this rule is in place because of Grandma and Grandpa?"

Well, I guess you have to have a dark sense of humor to find it funny. We all think it's hysterical ... laughing through our tears, I guess.

Anyway, that parenting class for me was pivotal in understanding why my husband is the way he is. He was the parentified child. He was used as a weapon. He never saw his parents make up, only fight so he only learned to avoid fights or to go in for the kill. I wept through most of it. At the end the teacher said she was sorry it was so hard for me. She thought I was crying for my son. The entire class was shocked when I told them that I was crying because this class taught me that the child whose parents did all the wrong things grew up to be my husband and that's why I was there now. I think some of the people who texted through the entire class maybe learned something from that. I hope so anyway.

SBJ - yes, kids are resilient, but divorce will change them. You're right, but at the same time you know that what kids need most is to know that they are loved no matter what, that this isn't about them and that you are going to do everything possible for them. You are a great dad. Just keep being a great dad and know that regardless of what part of the deep end your wife is swimming in or who she's with, you will be co-parenting with her.

And yes, I am a person who went through this divorce process telling my exh exactly that, "I don't want this but I love you and want you to be happy. I don't believe in divorce. I don't believe our marriage cannot be saved but I love you enough to give you what you want. If you want this divorce, it's up to you to make it happen. I won't stop you but I won't stand in your way either."

Did it save my marriage? No. What I think it did was give my exh many opportunities to pause. He dithered for a good while. That approach really took him aback, which was good. It gave me a chance to DB during the time that we went through mediation. Most importantly SBJ, it gave ME the chance to figure out what it was that *I* wanted. I realized a lot of things by coming at this from the most loving place I could.

I strongly encourage you to say that to your wife and watch what happens - both with your wife and for you, internally.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}