By the grace of God

[mleigh4]

Hello,

Bttrfly, I appreciate your questions and it actually helps to share my feelings

HW, H being stuck is putting it mildly, more on that coming up.

Gwen, so good to see your visit! I definitely keep surrounded by caring friends. In fact this experience helped me realize how important it is to be around positivity, love and support. I am lucky to have that.

Coly, I did used to push H a lot. His responses only brought on more pain, the hurtful feedback was enough to quiet me. However, more on that, because my pulling back actually got thrown in my face. Yes, H and I talked last night for about an hour.....

So, H brought up we were supposed to talk before his trip. I was shocked! He asked to come over last night after work. He did, we all had dinner, then H and I went in the office room to chat.

It was awkward small talk until we got quiet. We sighed and laughed, I told him I don't really know what to say to start. He agreed. So I asked how he was and how he was feeling about us lately. So the conversation started.

I began by saying I really didn't see this going anywhere, is it that he doesn't want to work on anything? He said he doesn't feel that I want to work on things. I asked him, you don't think for the last 3 1/2 years that I have wanted to try to save our marriage? He said in the beginning, I was trying, but then I stopped saying anything and talked about how happy I was, so he figured I wasn't interested anymore. I asked, when I said I was happy, you took that as happier without you? He said yes. He said he could see I was happier and doing better, so he figured I wanted things to stay this way. (Hhmmmm truth or BS?)

So I said that was incorrect, that I have very much wanted to work on us. I asked him, why would I be suggesting counseling, taking things slow, dating each other, if I wasn't wanting to work this out? His answer was that it's unfair I get upset that's he doesn't do anything to try when I don't do anything either....

I said, don't you kind of think the ball is in your court with that? You needed to move out, to have space, be alone and figure things out. And You were waiting for me to ask you out? I think I laughed there, but really not so funny.

He got agitated, said I moved out first. I told him, my reason for moving out was completely different than his. I had just found out he was doing things behind my back, I was convinced he was screwing around, and he was telling me he didn't want to be together anymore. I said, I did not handle that well at all, I freaked out, was obsessed with finding out the truth and doing things totally unlike me. I had to get away before I made things worse or completely lost it in front of my 6 year old son. I left in hope of saving our marriage, not leaving it.

He then went into why he did all those things, how I made him feel. Neglect, invisible, unloved, the same old speech. I gave back my same old speech, my own depression and struggle, mainly having to do with being away from S 12 hours a day. I asked him, remember when I would come home to take a quick shower? I would cry in the shower, I cried every day because I was so unhappy, not with you, with the situation. He was quiet, but went back to how my withdrawal made HIM feel.

I said, H, the miscommunication between us shows me that I am not able to give you what you need. 3 1/2 years of wanting nothing more than to work things out, you say you didn't feel. I loved you very much, but was not able to adjust well to being a working mom, I had to put you on the back burner, but it was not because I didn't love you and I am sorry you felt that way. I said H, I just don't think we connect or communicate right. Beside that, I needed your support when I was drowning, not being demanded of more. There are always tough times, life is not unicorns and rainbows at all times. I need to know I have someone by my side who can weather those storms with me, not bail on me.

He back peddled a bit, I don't think he expected me to shrug and say, oh well, I tried my best, but that is basically what I did.

He then started to list all the things I did that he didn't like, all the stuff about me that made him so unhappy. I agreed, yes, we see things different, we handle things different, there is no right or wrong. He kept on. That's when my heart started beating, I got tunnel vision and I said no more, I am not going to waste my time listening to what he has complained about 100 times before. All I could hear in my head was no, I am not going back there. Thinking something is wrong with me, that I should be different.

I got up and suggested he go. He said, there you go, shutting down. I said not shutting down, just not going to listen to the same thing I have heard over and over again.

Before he left, I told him I think we should explore what else may be out there for us. He looked pale, totally wiped out from our conversation, face confused and mouth hanging open.

Guys, I am not sure if this is MLC or a guy who has simply fallen out of love. It happens. H is not able to handle much. Having a child was a very difficult adjustment for us. Neither of us did well with it. Now, I can see the toll of facing our failed marriage. It drains him. But I can't keep going on with this.

Of course, my main point of our conversation never got addressed, which is, what are we going to do about our marriage. I will be setting up another chat to go over that.

So basically, me being me makes H very very unhappy. There are too many things about me and my personality that he finds unacceptable and incompatible with. He said himself, too many differences have come up over the years.

I myself don't see myself back with him. No way will I go back to feeling criticised about my parenting and ideas of fun. He just recently shunned me for giving S his water in a little plastic cup. He said, seriously, you still use those with him? I started giving S his water in a glass cup, he said no mommy, I want water in the plastic cup, it's easier to hold. While I snuggled with S last night at bedtime, I had no guilt that a brooding H was waiting in bed, like the old days. No way. I will never go back to that.