First time here

[25yearsmlc]

25mlc,
Thank you so much for the long, thoughtful responses to my musings. I intend to read it several times and let it all sink in. You make some very good points. I don't know if I posted this earlier, but when he first mentioned coming for a visit, after I thought about it for a few days, I said to him- you know, I'm ok with a visit, but I have some thoughts about it and would like to make sure we plan this visit keeping these things in mind. You told me a few months ago that you're not sure what you want in your future, and if I'm honest, I don't really know what I want for myself either any more, so I'm fairly sure we aren't ready to have deep, complicated conversations about how we got here, etc. I propose that we just plan some fun things, enjoy spending some time together, and see how that goes, no heavy discussions. He said, that is exactly how I'd like to see it go, also. I'd like for us to just start to get to know each other again.
So, at least we have covered that part of the visit- I'm not sure if the length of the visit will affect that, but I think it's a real possibility.

Well good grief Leahsue, that^^^ was kinda brilliantly handled!


Another interesting twist tonight- when he called earlier my daughter was beeping in, and I said, oh it's D- you know today is her birthday so I probably need to get this. He said of course, in a very sweet way, and we got on off the phone. While I was talking to her, she said- wow, H is texting me. He said happy birthday, love you. I'm thrilled that he reached out to her (she's his step-daughter) and also find it interesting that he said love you to her. He doesn't say that to me yet. And as angry as she was at him at BD, she graciously texted him back and said "love you, too". That couldn't have been an easy thing for either of them, and I'm proud they both felt ok with it happening.

I know it's a lot and if you two begin piecing, you'll begin a whole new chapter of weird work.

But still, this^^ is a LOVELY interchange that many LBSers would give an arm & a leg to have happen.

It's okay to be grateful. Gratitude doesn't increase our risk of heartbreak.

Jeep, how am I really doing? I had to think about that one. The week after BD I remember saying to someone, I just want to handle this nightmare with dignity and grace, no matter the outcome, and be able to look back on this knowing I took the high road and did my very best.

YES ^^^^^...yes, amen, exactly, affirmative, etc.

I think I've done that, thanks in large part to finding this forum so quickly in. I've cried a million tears, felt despair so dark it was frightening, questioned everything I thought I knew about love and marriage and trust, but also I've grown as a person, expanded my horizons, and none of that would have happened if I were still stuck in my complacency with my own life.

applause applause...


So all in all, I think I'm doing OK and going to be just fine, with or without H. I don't feel this way 100% of the time, but certainly a drastically higher percentage than even a month ago.

As you are discovering - it's not a linear process. Backsliding is to be expected. But the part of you that knows down deep you will be just fine with or without h...

that is the part that can grow & give you a peaceful strength you probably would not have discovered otherwise.

Pain is the touchstone for spiritual growth...(or bitterness and cynicism & victimhood)

in the end, it is our choice. I'm so impressed.


Thanks for keeping a check on me. You've become a good cyber-friend, plus you keep me laughing.