Whoa!!! That's a lot! I have so many thoughts/ideas, but I don't want to overwhelm you anymore than you might be. So I'll try to keep it brief!
First, he's very, very conflicted. Clearly. This guy is mixed up and doesn't know what to do. Sounds like he feels guilty for what he did, is possibly having some second thoughts, but also feels like he already ruined everything. He is most likely focused on his self because of his depression. So much as his selfishness and avoidance has hurt you, please realize he wasn't doing it directly to you, but that was the consequence. I have had to learn that Hs A was not an assault on me, but his inability to cope and run.
It sounds like you did a great job of listening and validating! Bravo! That's probably why he talked for so long, because he finally felt safe. Well that and he wants money, but it seems he also wanted to make some type of connection. How did you feel after the interaction? Do you feel better about the way you handled it and that you kept your cool?
So your feeling some detachment now that you have seen him still selfish (and a bit pitiful) and I think that is perfectly normal! Please don't think too much if this because feelings really do change all the time. I want to share with you that when my H started trying to come back, he appeared very vulnerable and even needy. It was not attractive at all! So I started to pull back, he started to pursue, and thus you have the dynamics shifting. So please try and not assess you desire for the M based on one interaction. I have to still think about my M and the bigger picture--head over heart, that's what I always say.
If you want to start making changes about your home, etc, that's totally fine! Do what works for you and live your life. Can you do this without the goal of winning him back or D (or to punish him)? Meaning, without any thoughts of him and the M?
So I am glad you are starting to detach and want to move forward. I think that will be so good for you! And I wanted to add that even if you start feeling more done with him and the M, please continue to DB for you. It's really about you--GAL, 180, and allow yourself to release the anger. Continue to stay dim, don't initiate contact, and when he reaches out you can still just listen and validate. These are great skills for any R, so this is perfect practice. It also keeps your power in the R with him--and he sees you strong and moving on--he pulls back when he feels you are upset and angry.
Please trust me that thihgs can change, fast or slow, but they will never stay the same. My H was depressed and selfish for a long time, and like I said, when he first came back, he was not attractive to me and the tables turned quickly! However, he did the hard work: he went to IC, read books, and he looked at himself. We also went to MC, and 2 years later I have seen so many changes in him. The hardest part for me has been letting go of anger and looking at my mistakes. I have felt so justified in my anger because I was so wronged by his terrible choices.
It has taken me years to finally start to let go of anger and also see my faults in the M. It's so, so hard! I am not saying you are like me or that your H is similar to my H, but I do want you to see that your still on the roller coaster. It's okay to just stay where you are (in the unknown territory) and not make choices about the M and just keep living your life. In time this will all sort out, but this truly is a marathon and not a sprint.
Keep us posted!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
