Am I Dreaming or Played a Fool?

[sandi2]

Wow! Thank you, thank you! I needed that. What you wrote is so real. I will follow your direction. I'm regretting that move back into the MBR. My emotions are all over the place, but I'm slowly trying to take charge of them. Before the MBR move, I was doing pretty well by going dark. Trying to get the plan reformulated.

My suggestion about the MBR is for you to stay there, and if she wants to sleep elsewhere, that's her choice. The point behind this is that you are the faithful spouse and you are the head of the family. The children recognize the MBR as being the marital bedroom for their parents. It sets an order in the family homelife. When the kids are accustomed to seeing their parents share the same bedroom, it gives them a sense of security. Their parents sharing the same bedroom represents unity, not division. That's why even little kids will know something is not right at home when they see one of the parents sleeping elsewhere. Their instinct tells them their security may be at risk. Anyway, that's my suggestion, but you do what you feel is best for you.

I have a different viewpoint on "going dark" than the thread that is listed in Cadet's post. I think it is impossible to go dark when you share the same roof and have a family. However, you can emotionally detach to protect your feelings. I will try to remember to post a copy of a shorter version of detaching.

IMHO, you need to decide what you will do. You should not ask your W what she wants. This is no longer about what she wants. You deserve to know what she plans to do in going forward, b/c you have no intentions of leaving things the way they currently are.....nor act as if nothing ever occurred between her and OM. It is about what you will decide for your life. It is about what you will tolerate and not tolerate. It is about setting firm boundaries based on your moral/spiritual beliefs, standards, principles, and integrity. Never compromise your integrity. This is no longer about pleasing her or trying to show her how much you love her (as this becomes a trap for the LBH trying to reconcile). It is about honor, loyalty, and respect. If you both have those, then the love will manifest itself. You are the leader over your family/home. Leaders have to be strong and make tough decisions, and having something solid (like your principles and belief system in life) from which to make your plan is very important. We can help as you put it together.

I would like your opinion.... We have a family vacation planned for next month, after the the bomb I told her I wasn't going. I'm getting pushback form my kids. I'm having a hard time with it. What do you think?

That is always a very tough call. For the sake of the kids, I would carry through with the plans for vacation, since it is scheduled for next month. Use it as an opportunity to show your fun/relaxed side in your family activities. You may have to do a lot of faking, but sometime that's what we have to do for our kids.

In the meantime, you will be getting your plan of action together, and start establishing some of your boundaries.

* Priority is talking with your lawyer to make sure you are protected in every way possible.

* Make a private list of the things in your MR that affect you emotionally/physically that you will not tolerate. The point here is not to make out a complaint list about your W's faults. This is not about some means of controlling your W.....but rather protecting your feelings. Boundaries are not to be confused with ultimatums.

An example of a really big boundary could be: "I will not live in a marriage of three. If you continue to contact OM, I will prepare for separation or divorce". This is about what you will not accept for your life. You are not telling her what she can or can't do. She is free to make her own decisions. This statement is about you and what you will not accept as a way of life. I want to caution you to be very careful making boundary statements and not backing up your word if the boundary is dishonored. Several men have read this example and then start crowing like a rooster about not living in an open marriage. Well, they discovered it did not fix or change the W. The affair did not stop. Then the H would back down and his boundary was completely ineffective. You do not want this to happen! Before you state a boundary, you better know what you intend to do if it is not honored. I can almost guarantee you that she will test it to see if you stand behind it.

Another example: "I will not engage in a telephone conversation if I am the target of yelling, cursing, rage, etc. If such behavior begins, I will disconnect the call and not respond to caller's next contact, until I feel the conversation will be civilized". That one is not too difficult to carry out, unless you are so beaten down by your W you are too afraid to hang up on her and face her wrath later.

Anyway, these are just two short examples, and we can talk more about boundaries later. You are the only one who knows what you will or will not tolerate.

A major part of your plan will be setting goals that will lead you back into being a better man, father, husband, and leader. You can't force her to make changes in herself, but you can make improvements in yourself and the family life under your own roof. So, think about what needs to change, what you have control over and what you don't, and the steps to get you to the place you want to be.

Personally, I recommend you make it clear to her that in order for you to continue with the M, there must be a series of couple's therapy sessions, and you will choose the therapist who specializes in this field. Since you are the betrayed S in the M, you should be the one to pick the more qualified therapist that actually works with couples to restore M's after an affair. It's not just about "her getting help" to appease you for a while. It's about serious therapy for you as a couple.

Dealing with a situation like you are facing, requires guidance. You need some type of map in order to go forward on this journey.

About a month from now, she will have strong cravings to contact OM (if she is really in no contact currently). If she is willing to do the real work in saving this M, then go with that willingness and don't be afraid to say what you will need to feel the MR has only two people in it. If she bucks against transparency, then you can mark it down that she has secrets to hide. Sure, there are ways around transparency if she wants to maintain the affair, but the transparency is just as much help to her as it is to you. The accountability is key in her breaking her emotional connection with the OM. More about that later.