Here's the problem you face today. The LBH is usually so focused on getting his W back from the clutches of the OM, that he has not had sufficient time to process all his inner feelings. He wants his WW to instantly be on the same commitment level and emotional level as he is. That will not happen, b/c you both have separate hurts & resentments you have to process.
She's not even sure if she is making the right decision. Since she is not feeling the way she use to feel about you, it scares her into doubting those feelings will ever return. It just takes time to heal. If we could see the emotional damage the way we can see a physical part of our body destroyed..........maybe we could see how the healing was progressing. Even if she is being honest with you, her feelings cannot "snap" back.
My advice for you at this point, is not the same that I would tell a H who had a W that refused to work on the M. Just want to clarify this for anyone reading this thread. Until you know that she is making contact with OM, you proceed with healing the MR. If she is being honest and not contacting OM, or asking friends about him, etc.............then she is going to need a lot of support from you. This is not the time to act cold, distant, & sulked. This is the time to start repairing the "friendship" part of the MR. (I don't like to call it that, but it helps people relate to what I mean). Don't smother her with your presence, and don't push for sexual intimacy, b/c it could cause her to feel pressure. Affection, snuggling, hugs, and other non-sexual touches is okay.......as long as she is receptive. Don't ask, just experiment and If you feel a cold response, then stop touching her at all, for now. Remain in the same bed, and don't start switching out bedrooms. If she initiates sex, then follow her lead.
My advice is to incorporate as much fun things as possible. Keep the atmosphere as light as possible. If it starts getting too heavy, pull back a little and give space. Focus on uplifting music, comedy shows, and playing with your son. Doing things as a family. She needs to see life and joy in her home atmosphere. Yes, it is a big challenge when you are dealing with so much emotional pain, but this is part of the "work" to get through this door and go to the next one.
This is not fun for her, either. You each have your own demons to fight. You will feel as if you are living in different time zones (or planets) for a while. It takes time to get on the same page again. I suggest you meet with the counselor once a week, at the very least. Then you can taper down as you get through the initial hot spots. I also advise you not to have R talks at home, and save it for the session with the counselor. Right now, things are very fragile, so try to avoid talking about the affair. If she wants to talk, then your part of that conversation is to listen. No talk.......just listen, and validate her feelings.
When a H uses porn, the W feels degraded. She feels like you felt when you discovered her affair. To her, your porn activity equals cheating. Women take it very personal when their H turns to porn. You are doing what you need to do there, but she has deep resentment. I pray that she will be able to let it go and heal her heart and self esteem.
Has the counselor discussed the importance of transparency from her?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
