Am I Dreaming or Played a Fool?

[sandi2]

I realized I might have jumped the gun with W being back in the MBR. We had a pleasant (lets work it out) convo in the MBR. Thinking back seems like a total manipulation and I totally fell for it hook, line and sinker.

Could not have said it better myself. This is to the guys who thought she was working on things, or making progress.......... When will you learn that what this W did (crawling into bed with him) is the oldest manipulation in the history of women?! Getting in bed and snuggling up to the man you've cheated on for nearly 20 years is not a sign she is working on things! . And it amazes me why the H is always "confused" by this action! (So, it's not just you, FindAir). This is not work on her part. It is simple temperature checking, and that's all.

She doesn't want a divorce b/c her H provides a very nice living for her? She has a nice setup where she gets the best of both men. OM isn't going to leave his W and risk his financial destruction when he is nearly ready to retire. Think about it, guys! He's 18 yrs her senior, and if he was going to D his W to marry this man's wife, he would have done it a long time ago. He knows his W will take him to the cleaners.

So, the affair partners will give it a little cooling off period, and when their spouses think everything is okay again..........the affair will resume. They have carried on this affair too many years to think it will stop dead in its tracks. It can end, but I promise you that it won't be anywhere close to being this easy. It would take major life changes for her to end all emotional ties that link them together. She would even have to cancel her list of contacts........and you know she's not going to do it. She won't want to give up their circle of friends or stop going to their favorite places. Too many years, and too many memories.

If a man feels he has been played, it's b/c he has! She will play you as long as she believes it's working. And as long as you fall for her manipulation tricks......it will work for her.

I realize this is blunt, but I just read your thread and wanted to warn you......and now I see where you are figuring it out.

Can your M be saved? Maybe, IDK. But I'm old enough and have read enough of these same patterns to know your W is not finished with the OM and she is not "working" on your M. At least, she's not currently doing work. Another thing, she may say she'll get help, etc., but that's usually a tactic to put her H on hold until he calms down. If any therapy is sought, you need to be the one to choose the therapist, not your W. It should be one who specializes in restoring marriages that have been betrayed by a long term affair.

Nothing justifies cheating on a spouse. Not her childhood and not her bad marriage. That's not to say that she may not need therapy, but it doesn't give her a free pass to commit adultery. Too long, you've thought you were crazy........and she did not try to persuade you otherwise.

See a lawyer to know your options and where you stand. Then decide what you will do. You will need a plan of action, b/c you can't sit back and just wait to see what happens. Be prepared. Do not discuss your plans with her, at this time. You must protect yourself before doing or saying anything else.

And btw, don't decide to have unprotected sex with her, thinking you are sealing the deal. That's how men think, but it doesn't seal anything.....except maybe your fate.

Someone will come along with soothing words for you. I just could not sit back and not tell you what I have seen played out in many, many similar situations as you face. Your story is not unique, sorry to say.