Status Unknown

[sandi2]

When I stopped contacting the OM, I went through months of withdrawals. The hardest part of getting through that period was just getting him out of my head. I was also depressed and it was very difficult to generate enough energy to put effort into a M I basically saw as dead.

Like your W, I did not feel remorse. I made my decision to stay in my M based on doing the right thing. However, doing the right thing did not automatically restore the right feelings. It took a long time, and even praying that I would experience remorse, b/c I did not believe I would ever feel in love with my H without it. It eventually came when I finally stopped allowing myself to dwell on the OM. Of course, I had a lot of other work to do, like forgiving my H for his part of the breakdown and releasing years of resentment that had grown in my heart.

Your W is a lot younger than I was, so hopefully, she will find her way back faster. I suspect she made a decision to do the right thing when she learned of your heart condition. And I don't know, but some of that loving attentiveness could have been, in part, due to remorse. You hope that she would ask for your forgiveness, but if she has as much false pride as I held.........it may be a while yet. Her attitude will reflect her feelings. When her words, actions, and attitude line up........then you'll know things are getting better. Until then, be smart. I think it's Cadet's tag line that reads "Knowlege is power", and you have a lot to receive if you open yourself to it. On the other hand, fear will shut it down. It sounds as if your gut feelings are pretty keen, so continue to listen to them, and don't listen to fear.

I believe it is extremely important for the couple to attend therapy that specializes in restoring marriages after an affair. You each will deal with separate emotional issues that come from that situation........plus, it probably would include your porn addiction and how it affected her. So, you are facing at least two large issues that are fairly known to break up marriages. Don't think you can do this without help, and don't go to some hole in the wall MC that doesn't specialize in healing from affairs and porn addiction.

My H would not agree to go with me to couples therapy. My saving grace was God and this DB Board! I would stay on this board every night until I could no longer hold my eyes open. That was ten years ago, and I am still with my H, which I will always give much credit to those who mentored me. There has been no other inappropriate behavior or betrayal from this former wayward wife.

You have to continue to work at having a healthy MR. They don't just happen. There will always be new challenges along the way, but there is usually a way to work through it. You have to be smart. You cannot be lazy or take anything for granted! You probably realized this when you discovered you had a heart problem so early in life. Marriage is a living thing that requires adequate nourishment. At times, she'll need more than you, and vise versa.

Although you are trying to convince yourself that she has always been trustworthy, the truth is that she broke that trust. However, she can earn it back again by being accountable and transparent, just like you did. Currently, she is high risk b/c of her emotions feeling lost and unsure........ and not having the passionate in-love feelings she wants to have for you. It is scary as heck for a woman to think she is trapped in a loveless M, after she gives up her OM. ( May not be a nice way to say it, but I'm just telling you like it is). The good news is that once she really gets the OM and all the "what ifs" and "may have been" out of head, her feelings of being in love with her H can return. Women are not wired to be in love with two men at the same time. She may sleep with two, or sleep with one and crave the other.........but she will desire only one. Sometimes, LBH'S seem not to consider the emotional dives her mind has experienced. It takes time for her to fall out of love with her H......and into love with OM.....then out of love with OM.....and back into love with her H. No wonder she feels confused!

Both of you have a lot of work ahead, and doing what works will give your M the best advantage. You have already spent five months reading? Okay, well don't stop......and post often. Telling us more about her history and the dynamics of your MR will help us have a overhead view.