So Confused and Conflicted (6)

[25yearsmlc]

My wife has acted like I'm the one that cheated and left her for the other person. She's treating me like I'm the bad guy.

This seems like a common theme for them to do so don't beat yourself up about it. I'm also at fault for my EW's A. Don't believe it though cause nothing you did throughout the M makes you deserve such treatment. IMO they blame us so they don't have to carry the guilt anymore.

Not always guilt. In some cases, they justify the A b/c of their unmet needs.

To be clear, NO I don't agree with affairs.

But while all affairs are wrong, they are NOT all alike.

And similarly, the chances of reconciling after one, or rebuilding a better marriage that is far less likely to result in an affair, varies wildly.

In Wsh's situation, he admitted that his wife told him she wanted/needed more social interaction, which he was not comfortable with or did not want to do or found difficult.

And she wanted him to develop other interests outside of his gaming, presumably something she was interested in or that involved others, or that included something physical, all of which Wsh did not do. (But wishes he had, which I know is hard).

Wsh's wife also told him she did not feel comfortable with his porn use (I'm not harping on the porn, Wsh, just another reason for her feeling unfulfilled )

and how his remarks and his lower libido, made her feel less desirable.

These ^^ are some of the hallmarks of affairs women have. While men who cheat MAY not attach much emotion to it, most women who cheat, do.

So it's not really guilt that annoys them, it's the rationalizations and anger and resentment that has built up over time, about their unmet needs.

Those justifications usually happen Before the A.

Wsh has said if he had known she would leave him for not changing any of these things, then he would have done some or more of what she wanted....But imo, most women don't throw out the term "divorce" until their love tanks are empty. (Sometimes I think we ought to leave while we still love the man, in case the guy does change. But it's not very common in my experience).

Please Check out Sandi's WHOLE thread on why (some) women want to have affairs. How lonely she felt at the time, and how unattractive her h had become, to her. Not to justify things but to help you understand it more.

Sandi talks about firm boundaries with wayward wives, IF/WHEN the ww is interested in reconciling, but don't just read that part. I have noticed some men read only that part and it fuels their righteous indignation but it comes off as punitive and gets them nowhere fast. Their anger fuels the W's desire to leave and confirms her negative images of her h.....so, please Read about the mindset that led to her choice in the first place...

It often involves losing respect for their h's, or unaddressed pain from arguments or remarks made, (a lot of women are uncomfortable expressing anger)

and that leads to fewer loving feelings, & makes them more vulnerable, etc.

One other comment...

imo, the BEST NEWS you can glean from this ordeal, or learn in counseling,

is that you were NOT a perfect h. That you do have flaws of some significance.

Because if you were the best man you are capable of being, and have nothing to improve upon, and your w still cheats,

then you are powerless to affect this.

Who wants to be powerless? That is why we hammer the "focus on you" theme so much.

The spouse having the affair is not here trying to save the m.

So our Arguing with them or trying to fix them or blame them, does the person here, no good. And it deflects from our own personal work.