I have been reading the boards for a while, and feel it is time for me to finally tell my story.
Forgive the long post!
I am 35, W is 31. We have one S(adopted) 5. We were married in 2006 after dating 1.5 years. We have struggled with infertility for our entire marriage, but were blessed with the most perfect adopted child 5 years ago.
For the first 5 years of our marriage, I struggled with pornography on and off and repeated lies to my W. We "worked" through these issues and seemed to be building towards a great marriage. I sought accountability and transparency for my issues, all of which are still in place today.
Fast forward to Oct 2016. Halloween, great night with son, everything is good. The next night (11-1-16) wife says "when you get home we need to talk". She tells me, she met with atty and wants divorce, "she has tried and has nothing left". Says she doesn't feel like I have ever loved her, nor could i love her like she needed. As i have not yet found this site, I go into freak out mode (begging , pleading, "I'll do whatever, etc.). Doesn't work. We begin in house separation, taking turns in and out of MBR. The entire time she is pushing full speed ahead with D. I have no idea where this came from. Blindsided. However, feel like something or "someone" has entered the picture and is "pulling" her away. Became secretive w/ phone, changed cell phone plan, etc. I convince myself, that I am crazy bc wife has always been trustworthy.
We agree that we will get through holidays with S, and move forward after first of the year. During this time, I found this forum and read DR (twice). Begin DB'ing (180's, GAL, etc.) Started to notice a shift in late Dec. as she became more friendly to me, etc. However, during this time we also found out (very unexpectedly) that I had heart failure. She was devastated, became the most attentive, loving and supportive wife ever.
She/We decided in Jan 2017, that we would start MC and try to make this marriage work. Everything is good, I feel like we are communicating, intimacy is back (somewhat), and we are a family again.
In February 2017, I started to have a terrible gut feeling, and couldn't explain it. My son was taking private baseball lessons from a guy in town, and I couldn't always go because the lessons were mid-day in the middle of the week. I began to notice that on those days, my wife would get extra made up, but thought I was being paranoid, and paid no mind. One day, i decided to leave work and make a surprise visit during a lesson. I walk in and both of their faces drop (they are not doing anything as my S5 is there.) There was a tension, and I could feel it. Immediately she accused me of not trusting her, etc. bc I showed up unannounced. I confronted her, and she swore up and down that nothing inappropriate had happened bw them and I was being crazy. During this time, all intimate contact had stopped bw W and me. Life goes on, not great, but status quo and then on 3-10-17 BD.
She calls me and says, "I need to tell you something, and it's bad." I say okay, and she says "I feel like you already know because you've been questioning me about it, but me and OM have been having an affair." Proceeds to tell me they began texting in November/Dec. Stopped for January, and he began texting again in February 2017, then became physical 3 times. I told her, we can work through this, and she says "I can't be married after this, because you'll never trust me again." I tell her trust can be rebuilt, but she says she knows it can't because she never trusted me again after all the lies years ago. She agrees that she wants to be with me and work on this marriage, so we begin what I think is piecing around 3-12-17. It has been very up and down, been to MC a couple of times, but no real improvements. We seem to be living in limbo, as she is still unsure of what she "wants". NC with OM was established early on, and I believe this is the case. However, she still seems very disinterested in this marriage, and I don't know where to go from here.
One other side note, she has mentioned on a couple of occasions that she "is 31 and doesn't want the next 10-20 years of her life to be like this." Is MLC possible for 31 yr old W? Also says, "she is worried that everything will be okay until the next crisis, and we will be right back here."
As far as DBing goes, I have done okay but find myself backsliding a lot. When I try to pull back and give her space to breathe, she accuses me of being mad or not caring. But when I am loving and attentive, she feels smothered. I have never been a "needy-pursuer" but after this, I feel like I am searching for constant reassurance that she wants to be with me.
I really don't feel as though she has been truly remorseful, nor has she made any efforts to regain my trust, she is very indifferent. I have admitted to my faults that led us to this point, as I could've been a better husband. However, I refuse to take responsibility for the A.
I have read all of the material on this forum for the last 5 months and still feel lost, as to what to do next or even what I am dealing with. A WAS, WW, or MLC?
Me-35, W-31 T: 12 M: 11 S5 BD: 11/2016, Wants Divorce Divorce off table 1/17 EA (11/2016)/PA (3/17)confirmed Status Unknown as of 3/29/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I really don't feel as though she has been truly remorseful, nor has she made any efforts to regain my trust, she is very indifferent. I have admitted to my faults that led us to this point, as I could've been a better husband. However, I refuse to take responsibility for the A.
I have read all of the material on this forum for the last 5 months and still feel lost, as to what to do next or even what I am dealing with. A WAS, WW, or MLC?
LW - Sorry you're here, but glad you are reaching out. No way no how take responsibility for the A. You addressed your issues and that is on your W for crossing that line.
As for WAS, WW or MLC, it can be any of them, but stay strong and focused on yourself and your son. Best of luck and keep posting.
Me 42, Wife 39; Married 16; Together 17; Kids: D13, S10 Wife asks for Divorce: 03/19/13 Reconcile: 07/07/13 Round 2 Starts: 02/19/17 Apartment Life: 04/21/17 PA Confirmed: 05/23/17
I have read all of the material on this forum for the last 5 months and still feel lost, as to what to do next or even what I am dealing with. A WAS, WW, or MLC?
So since you have been reading here for that time you know that you do the same thing no matter what you are dealing with.
Re-read my first post, everything you need to do is in it.
I feel like I need to update my current sich. We are both in MBR, no separation currently. There is no sex, as neither of us are back at that point yet. She seems like she is simply depressed most of the time. We don't speak hardly at all during the day, we still kiss hello and goodbye and say ILY. She just constantly reiterates she doesn't know what she wants (to be married, or start over), and tells me "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be." However, I see no effort nor action on her part to show remorse for the A, and if it is brought up, I am told "you're going to hold this over my head forever." I know this is where detaching comes in, but I also want her to know that I am committed to her, our family, and this marriage. Thoughts?
Me-35, W-31 T: 12 M: 11 S5 BD: 11/2016, Wants Divorce Divorce off table 1/17 EA (11/2016)/PA (3/17)confirmed Status Unknown as of 3/29/17
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Zero commitment, sometimes to the point that I almost feel like we are just biding our time until the inevitable.
We are 6 months in since BD#1(W wants out) and almost a month since BD#2 (EA/PA confirmed). She knows what is right, but seems to think there is better out there.
Me-35, W-31 T: 12 M: 11 S5 BD: 11/2016, Wants Divorce Divorce off table 1/17 EA (11/2016)/PA (3/17)confirmed Status Unknown as of 3/29/17
We are 6 months in since BD#1(W wants out) and almost a month since BD#2 (EA/PA confirmed). She knows what is right, but seems to think there is better out there.
LW2381,
Yeah, I don't know the psychology behind the strategy, but they seem to like to drag things out for a long time. I don't know that it's an overt process, but part of the process involves trying to find reasons to leave (rather than reasons to stay). You know, you're not able to do anything right and anything you say can and will be used against you. They're working on breaking their own emotional bonds and all the while keeping you on the hook as their safety net. In many other contexts it would be great sport, but it stinks when it's a marriage.
