Status Unknown

[LW2381]

Hello Everyone.

I have been reading the boards for a while, and feel it is time for me to finally tell my story.

Forgive the long post!

I am 35, W is 31. We have one S(adopted) 5. We were married in 2006 after dating 1.5 years. We have struggled with infertility for our entire marriage, but were blessed with the most perfect adopted child 5 years ago.

For the first 5 years of our marriage, I struggled with pornography on and off and repeated lies to my W. We "worked" through these issues and seemed to be building towards a great marriage. I sought accountability and transparency for my issues, all of which are still in place today.

Fast forward to Oct 2016. Halloween, great night with son, everything is good. The next night (11-1-16) wife says "when you get home we need to talk". She tells me, she met with atty and wants divorce, "she has tried and has nothing left". Says she doesn't feel like I have ever loved her, nor could i love her like she needed. As i have not yet found this site, I go into freak out mode (begging , pleading, "I'll do whatever, etc.). Doesn't work. We begin in house separation, taking turns in and out of MBR. The entire time she is pushing full speed ahead with D. I have no idea where this came from. Blindsided. However, feel like something or "someone" has entered the picture and is "pulling" her away. Became secretive w/ phone, changed cell phone plan, etc. I convince myself, that I am crazy bc wife has always been trustworthy.

We agree that we will get through holidays with S, and move forward after first of the year. During this time, I found this forum and read DR (twice). Begin DB'ing (180's, GAL, etc.) Started to notice a shift in late Dec. as she became more friendly to me, etc. However, during this time we also found out (very unexpectedly) that I had heart failure. She was devastated, became the most attentive, loving and supportive wife ever.

She/We decided in Jan 2017, that we would start MC and try to make this marriage work. Everything is good, I feel like we are communicating, intimacy is back (somewhat), and we are a family again.

In February 2017, I started to have a terrible gut feeling, and couldn't explain it. My son was taking private baseball lessons from a guy in town, and I couldn't always go because the lessons were mid-day in the middle of the week. I began to notice that on those days, my wife would get extra made up, but thought I was being paranoid, and paid no mind. One day, i decided to leave work and make a surprise visit during a lesson. I walk in and both of their faces drop (they are not doing anything as my S5 is there.) There was a tension, and I could feel it. Immediately she accused me of not trusting her, etc. bc I showed up unannounced. I confronted her, and she swore up and down that nothing inappropriate had happened bw them and I was being crazy. During this time, all intimate contact had stopped bw W and me. Life goes on, not great, but status quo and then on 3-10-17 BD.

She calls me and says, "I need to tell you something, and it's bad." I say okay, and she says "I feel like you already know because you've been questioning me about it, but me and OM have been having an affair." Proceeds to tell me they began texting in November/Dec. Stopped for January, and he began texting again in February 2017, then became physical 3 times. I told her, we can work through this, and she says "I can't be married after this, because you'll never trust me again." I tell her trust can be rebuilt, but she says she knows it can't because she never trusted me again after all the lies years ago. She agrees that she wants to be with me and work on this marriage, so we begin what I think is piecing around 3-12-17. It has been very up and down, been to MC a couple of times, but no real improvements. We seem to be living in limbo, as she is still unsure of what she "wants". NC with OM was established early on, and I believe this is the case. However, she still seems very disinterested in this marriage, and I don't know where to go from here.

One other side note, she has mentioned on a couple of occasions that she "is 31 and doesn't want the next 10-20 years of her life to be like this." Is MLC possible for 31 yr old W? Also says, "she is worried that everything will be okay until the next crisis, and we will be right back here."

As far as DBing goes, I have done okay but find myself backsliding a lot. When I try to pull back and give her space to breathe, she accuses me of being mad or not caring. But when I am loving and attentive, she feels smothered. I have never been a "needy-pursuer" but after this, I feel like I am searching for constant reassurance that she wants to be with me.

I really don't feel as though she has been truly remorseful, nor has she made any efforts to regain my trust, she is very indifferent. I have admitted to my faults that led us to this point, as I could've been a better husband. However, I refuse to take responsibility for the A.

I have read all of the material on this forum for the last 5 months and still feel lost, as to what to do next or even what I am dealing with. A WAS, WW, or MLC?