OK, I now feel like I need to jump into this pool. I'm not feeling well, so please take that into consideration when reading my words.
Kitti--I did not see your words as harsh. Honest, but not harsh.
Does everyone remember a few months ago when Trish identified things in my posts that bothered her? And because I backed off in my posts, everyone thought I was leveled by what she had to say?
Well, yes, the words hurt. But not because they were slanderous, but because they held truths. Truths that had surfaced too often in other clothing in C for me to ignore. What you guys here don't see is that she continues to write to me via e-mail (and vice versa) because she has decided to utilize another medium to continue working with me in that vein. A vein that initially caused an uproar here.
I appreciate the fact that others ask me for my thoughts and advice, even though some folks seem really stuck and afraid of making the changes that the rest of us see as obvious. I'm not excluding myself from that statement either. But the reality is that I joined the BB because I NEED help, not because I'm a therapist or a comedian.
I think many of you have figured out that Meredith and I have much in common. Undoubtedly, this is why we've got a gravitational pull to each other. We also both use humor to get ourselves through the tough times. In fact, if I can't inject any humor into anything within 24 hours, you can safely assume that I'm HURTING.
That being said, although we have much in common, as do our men, we are not alike in lots of other ways. Therefore, what works for her won't work for me, and so on. But as Pam pointed out, maybe something about her process CAN work for me.
For instance, I took a variation of a theme she used last week and am tailoring it to myself. I had to rework and reword things so that I didn't frighten Mr. W. away. And yes, you may all safely ASSume that I did not give him my venting letter, nor do I intend on doing that. But that doesn't mean that what I wrote does not mean I don't feel that way...
LNL, I think you grossly underestimate yourself. You've been willing to ask questions of me where you felt I needed to think about something. And vice versa.
While EVERYONE made their point about reading and not posting for a variety of reasons, I don't think Pam and Meredith were chiding because of that. And I find it interesting that everyone who has posted here on this issue today is not guilty of that "crime". Each and every one of you has had something to say--on this subject, and many more--to me over the course of my time here on the BB.
We all see posters who only inject empty words and nothingness into their posts. And then there are folks whose threads you can read back over the past 6 months and see very little growth. It's discouraging.
The answer to that is obviously "stay away from them". Well, is that fair to them? I'm sure that many therapists feel they can't help some clients--but I'd be willing to bet that they don't tell them or act out to them their personal thoughts. You could probably say they enjoy getting paid to hear it, while we all work for free.
There ARE people whose threads I cannot read. Maybe they are too painful close to how I felt (not enough time has passed for me to be objective). Maybe they absolutely refuse to do things differently. Maybe I just do not feel as though I can help them. My perogative, as is yours with me. I respect that.
Lurkers? Well, I'm kind to some of them because although I was a registered user for quite some time, I was a lurker until I felt courageous enough to dive in the pool. In the beginning, I didn't want to believe that my life was as awful and screwed up as you folks who were posting were admitting.
To those of you who lurk and read my stuff: you are truly shortchanging yourself by trying to learn without being held accountable. I'm a firm believer in accountability.
My boss holds me to high standards. So do my family. I've been able to ditch 18 lbs by being honest and accountable. And I've been able to really invoke change because I hold myself accountable here, at home and in my C sessions.
Mr. Wonderful has noticed those changes. Does it mean that we're going to have a fairy tale ending? Absolutely NOT. Sometimes love is just not enough. I know this guy loves me with all he has to give. However, his fear of confronting his own demons may be enough to prevent himself from committing to me, our M, and reconciling.
But the fact is, I'm a really different person than I was a year ago. I'm no longer a walking bundle of anger. I'm no longer surviving on a diet of resentment and sarcasm. I'm no longer willing to see myself as a victim. While I don't think I deserved to be abandoned with 2 kids, what else could he have done to wake me up? What else could he have done to get me to stop thinking in terms of being right vs. being wrong? What else could he have done to stop seeing him as the person who screwed up our lives?
The answer is sobering. Pretty much nothing.
When I say to you guys that I am grateful for this journey and all the lessons I have learned, I mean that. I've met some wonderful people here. Those of you who I've bonded with? I consider you true friends. That doesn't mean that making acquaintances is bad. Or the tail chasers either.
I'm going to put this bluntly for myself and everyone else. When I'm bothered by a poster or what they have to say, I have to force myself to stop and ask myself why. Is it because I recognize parts of myself that I haven't changed? Is it because I've changed so much and seeing bits of my old personality hurt? Is it because their message hits too close to home and I want to deny it? Is it because I'm feeling judgmental and uncompassionate?
I can pretty much tell you the last one is hardly ever true. That isn't who I am as a person. Happily, I shed that cloak a very long time ago. But I recognize that there are times when I find that person surfacing. I usually opt to work through those feelings.
But most important, the ones who bother me are typically my hardest learned lessons. I find that nearly all of them are wrapped in very unattractive packaging, and more often than not, I also find the contents offensive. That, BB friends, is my call to change. Not to attempt to change the other person, but myself.
Often I find what is so unappealing is something I really dislike about myself. THEN I can choose to change myself. But I must stop and recognize it for what it is.
Frankly, I've had many moments of epiphany over the past year. Most of them have been heart wrenching and unpleasant. But all of them have helped me mold myself into a nicer overall package. And I'm sure the lessons are far from over.
I will say for the record that I'm going to be posting less for the indefinite future. Not because I have nothing to say (far from that). But because in order to be a friend to others, I must be a friend to myself. I have boundaries, and I realize that I need this right now. I need to stop and just be. I need to internalize things, because I am at a crossroads. A crossroads that is going to signal BIG change for me and my family. Whether it's the road that takes me down the path of reconciliation or the one that splits apart my family as I've known for the past 14 years. I need an inner sanctum. A place of peace and solitary prayer and meditation. A time to ask God for help.
Because I'm going to need it.
I pray that each and every one of you are called to make the changes you know you need to make in order to be happier human beings. What is good for you is good for your relationships--every single one of them.
But you must have the courage and strength to make them.
Peace to all.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
